drain my soul . . .

typing through tears ...

2011-11-18T01:25:00.000-08:00

and, fears.

and, loneliness.

and, heartache.

ssdd for me ... this is how i operate. well, at least, that is what you get here on my blog. but, this is where i have been coming (infrequently) to unload all my shit. i want so badly to let go and let God ... to trust that He has a plan and that i will be okay, but i just can't seem to really do it with the conviction of the faithful. how do you do it? maybe i've just been over-thinking it? maybe i've done too little? maybe there is no hope for my life to ever have a life again?

*sigh*

where's a kleenex when you need one?

really!?!

2011-01-21T04:13:00.000-08:00

wtf.

that's what i think about so-called friends sometimes. it A-MAZES me the shit people say or do. i'm sure i have crossed someone else's mind in the same way before ... i know so because i've been told so, but then i stopped and thought about it ...

how are you gonna fix your mouth to judge the type of friend i've been to you if you haven't allowed me the opportunity to be the kind of friend to you that you would've liked me to be. i am NOT a freakin' mindreader ... and, if i ask you about you with genuine interest, but you can't be open and honest with me then how the hell am i supposed to know shit or be there for you? how can you fault me for taking too much of your precious fucking time or making you late for something if you don't tell me your busy when i ask if you've got a minute or five ... you know, i am grown and i do understand the concepts of "being busy" or "being tired;" furthermore, i can handle if this is sometimes the case ...

you come to town on vaca, i buy tixs to see a show as a gift to you ... wanted hanging out to be special since we so rarely have the opportunity. you, without warning or explanation, stand me up ... i try to reach you out of concern and not anger ... but, you are conveniently unavailable. then you try to put it on me and say i am soooooo selfish because i was only concerned about me and you had big shit going on. well, excuse the fuck outta me. just how was i supposed to know that you no showed with good reason since you didn't fuckin' clue me in!?!? you were rude in the moment (a text takes 30 secs, if that) ... you were rude after. you call me selfish!!?? REALLY ... ME!!??!! how is that possible if i know less than half the fuckin' story? months later you're all, "oh, my bad, i had shit going on and you are an asshole for bothering me." mofo, puh-leazzzze.

you're a liar, a cheater as well as an inconsiderate and irresponsible man. i coulda just said you were a man and that mighta just about covered it, but i almost feel like you've been less than a man on several occasions and worse that just a man on others. you are an abso-fuckin'-lute idiot. and, as it happens, you opened your stupid mouth and discounted every good thing i ever thought about you. i am glad we are no longer friends ... too bad i ever thought you were a friend in the first place.

eat shit,
c.

it's a lot to take in ...

2011-01-19T17:22:00.000-08:00

re-reading all of your own blog. it tickles me, makes me sad, lets me know i have grown, and staggers me how i still feel like i am kinda in the same places in so many areas of my life. don't get me wrong, things have changed ... just not as much as i thought they would've by this point. the most drastic change is that i cut off all the hair that flowed past my shoulders. i love it most days, but some days i think about growing it out again. i have a ridiculous pattern with men, but i've long since known that. i do manage to have some fun. i am lonely a lot. work/school/money still sucks ass. i love my niece and we are super-tight. she is the coolest three year old i know and love.

i just keep putting one foot in front of the other ...
c.

i would blog more often ...

2011-01-18T22:18:00.000-08:00

but, really, what is there to say ...

who? nobody, just me.

what? ummm, nothing ... just the V.A. and everyday b.s.

when? yeah, WHEN?!? my life needs a life.

where? still in ta-compton ... bored as hell.

why? why not ... what else is there?

how? hell if i know ... one day i looked around and here i STILL was.

so, there you have it.
c.

if i had a penny ...

2011-01-07T02:22:00.000-08:00

for every stray thought, every wrong move, every miscalculation ... i could stop playing the lotto. i swear. and, it is my fault. he told me in no uncertain terms where he is and where he is and is not willing to go. i heard him, but i am having a hard time listening and taking it to heart. why? why? WHY?

why can't i manage to meet someone who is really ready to meet me. i feel like this last meeting was more about showing me that there is still hope. not necessarily with him, but in general. and, i guess, the time is just not now for me no matter how much i want it to be. it is not in my time, but all in due time.

this part of my life feels like the pregnant pause so full of awkwardness it's nearly embarrassing at times and painfully so. but, i'm gonna keep on getting on with it ... keeping it moving.

too bad though that i really don't have all those pennies,

and, it all falls ...

2010-12-28T01:01:00.000-08:00

like a house of cards. but, i am realizing now that what i thought i was doing and who i thought i was doing it with/for was just not what i thought ... that's what i get for thinking! does He ever have a sense of humor. and, so it is just like i thought it would be ... i'm gonna keep doing me and building it and ... come what may. bring it. it's been a few years and i've been back and forth ... up and down ... round and round. but, now i've found my footing. i'm gonna spend some time digging my heels in and getting even more ready for whatever is coming. hit me.

dgijnip,

if you build it ...

2010-12-21T01:41:00.000-08:00

i am counting on this. i am just gonna do me and keep a comes what may attitude. i don't want to do too much. so all i can do is me. maybe, if i build it, he will come 'cause lonely nights are lonely.

keeping hope alive,
c.

as the wind blows ...

2010-12-19T05:25:00.000-08:00

time passes. seasons change. things mend. things begin again. beginnings, like endings, i often find are bittersweet. met a man i'd like to get to know, but things are slow-going. and, even though he told me he'd be off the grid for a few weeks, knowing and experiencing are not first cousins ... they are distant relatives. it feels worse than i knew it would. i do understand it, but i wonder if it'll pick back up the minute it is possible. i am most certainly gonna hope so.

dgijnip,

dear marcus,

2010-08-18T02:14:00.000-07:00

letter #2. here i am again. this time though things are the same and all together different. go figure. again, i feel crazy. but, i've been a fool many times for lesser things. last time i wrote you and wrote you off ... then you came a'talkin' and i was damn near instantly captivated by your charm despite my best efforts to not be. *sigh* it's been a little bit of forever since we last spoke. this time though, your phone is on, and i do know to some extent the depth of the shit you were going through. still again, i am left here alone with the thought that actions really do speak louder than words ... especially, when there are no words.

i would tell you all of this, but that would require me to actually be able to get in touch with you.

yeah, right.
c.

dear marcus,

2010-06-07T04:19:00.000-07:00

letter #1. it feels like letter #1002 since that's probably how many times i've written this letter in my mind. the birds just started chirping here. they are doin' waaaaaayyyy too much right now, like me and this letter ... i'm doin' way too much right now, but it is who i am. a woman of many words. it's been two weeks. your phone is off. while i make no judgments on your phone being off, i do make judgments on how you handle communication. *sigh* i give you way more than the benefit of the doubt. i try really hard not to hate or ride you about things. if i'm being honest though, this doesn't do it for me. i know what i deserve, and i know that i deserve more than this. i deserve someone who will give me the heads up and/or go the extra mile to let me know what's what. i do realize that you got shit goin' on ... who doesn't? i guess it comes down to having been where you are ... sans cell ... it sucks. still, having been there, i know if there is a will, there is a way. so, basically, i'm feelin' like there is no will which means you didn't find a way. it's cool though. this way i know not to trust your fast, smooth talkin' ass when you try to holla back. actions, as they say, speak much, much louder than words.

i feel crazy. even now, as i write this, i am second-guessing myself ... giving you the benefit of the doubt. i hear myself thinking, "what if something happened to him?" (to myself: ugh, GIVE IT UP!!!) really though, that is just the problem. i don't matter enough in a situation where i should matter damn near the most. if i mattered, two weeks wouldn't have passed. if i mattered ... and, something was wrong ... there would be a plan for me to know that something was wrong. but, it has been two weeks. if something is wrong, there is no plan so i wouldn't know that; and, besides, most times, ab-so-fucking-lute-ly NOTHING is wrong ... nothing. i'm gonna go with that ...

nothing ...

what you give ...

is all i got.

zip, zilch, nada,

was there ever really ...

2010-05-28T02:44:00.000-07:00

was there really love at all in your heart?

i keep asking myself this over and over again in regards to different people ... i hate that my body clock likes to be up this late at night ... these are such lonely hours ... the loneliness is magnified ...

ugh, people ... who needs 'em ...

apparently, me ...
c.

(well, maybe i don't need them so much as i want them ...)

knee-jerk reactions ...

2010-05-25T18:55:00.000-07:00

instincts are based in self-preservation. mine told me to pack it in and keep it movin' when it came marcus. funny how things work out when you surrender them to Him. just as i let go and opened myself up to move on, marcus called!?!

lmao. wow. okay.

i let him marinate for a minute while i finished what i was doing and gained my composure, but i ain't got the time to play the games i may have played 10 years ago. so, i got back to him shortly. i told him i was gonna keep it real ... then i went at him ... straight to the point ... minus anger or animosity ... told him how i had been feeling and why ... told him what my standards were ... he apologized (again and again) and agreed that he could meet my standards ... we had to go handle business in our respective lives . then later, he called back and we talked for hours. it was nice but now i am just ever so guarded as some measure of trust and faith has been lost.

we'll see how it goes ...
c.

i've been "up."

2010-05-23T01:17:00.000-07:00

now i'm "down."

i can say that at least i've always been able to recognize when i'm in these up and down swings. that has saved me in so many senses, so many times. i know this wouldn't hurt so bad if it hadn't happened before.

but, it has ... happened before.

time and time again. with different people. with friends. with love interests. and, when it is all said and done, often i am left alone again -- lonely, confused, and wickedly heartbroken.

several people have left me feeling this way of late. the most recent is marcus. he and i went to bootcamp together. i crushed on him hardcore, but both of us were romantically involved at the time. i remember being upset how one day we were tight and the next he was trying his best to not be ... he said it was because he liked me. that man has a voice on him ... it is the way he says things. his cadence and diction ... and, his voice has a good tone. after more than ten years, i still love to hear him say my last name (as we became accustomed to doing thanks to good 'ol uncle sam ... i don't use his here for privacy issues (haha, mine not his.).). but, it seems that once again i am guilty of being too optimistic. ("many times in romance i have been a victim of my own optimism." -- e. gilbert from eat, pray, love) the thursday before last he went on a 4-day trip to his ex-wife's sister's wedding in vegas. his life is complicated ... ex-wife with whom he shares children, going to school, working, etc. and his phone for various reasons is on a plan that only works in the city you live and occasionally he forgoes service to make ends meet. (i've been there so i pass no judgement and neither should you.) so, i wasn't supposed to hear from him until this past monday or so. okay, cool. but, it's early sunday morning here and nada. not a call, a message, a text, an email, a fb message ... nothing. and, as i've said before, sometimes silence is the loudest sound. i have never had a reason to sweat him before. but, i am now. while he was gone i left him two messages on saturday night (yes, i drunk dialed ... i know, for shame.). aside from those messages and any complications that may have arisen because of the calls/messages assuming that his phone did actually work outside his city or that he got the messages when he got home, there really isn't anything that i could have done wrong. and the messages really were happy-i-wish-i-could-talk-to-you-right-now messages. sooooo, if not that then something happened on his end. the possibilities are endless and range from expected to unexpected, simple to catastrophic. i texted him on monday twice, on thursday once, on saturday morning once, and i sent a fb message asking him if we weren't talking and why, but also expressing my concern. truthfully, on one hand, i am concerned and on the other i am hurt. i was clear how i felt and what i hoped to pursue with him when our time was right. he knew in no uncertain terms how i was beginning to feel about him. and, he was on board ... or so i thought. unless his issues are imprisonment (which i can't imagine.) or unconsciousness (which i really hope isn't the case), then i can only conclude that he lacks the desire to stay connected to me. and, though i don't know how he feels about it, it seems so easy for people to just walk away from me ... to just turn their backs and go on about their business as if i don't matter ... almost as if i don't exist.

people change, things change, situations change, times change, priorities change ... and, on and on ... i can adapt. but, one of the things i hate most is how it seems that other people aren't as adaptable.

my best friend got herself a husband and a newborn son (not all at once). and, it seems that she adapted by basically walking away too. really, who isn't busy, tired, etc.??? i know i am. i know she is. but, she matters to me so i made the effort, but there was no reciprocity. now, we are only friends if she has the time or needs to talk. and, of course, i couldn't possibly understand her issues since i am not married and have never birthed a child from my womb (though i have cared for quite a few ... even as newborns who i know and care for to this day ... oh, and by the way, i was a nurse so i am not new to babies, etc. whatev ... oh, and i babysat often as a child ... i'm pretty sure she didn't.). it kills me. i suppose i should say, "well you're married so you couldn't possibly understand how feel as a single woman in a craptastic dating world." ummm, it would be the same as how she dismisses my experiences if i dismissed the fact that she was ever single and ever felt craptastic about it, right? whenever i call ... no matter the day or the time ... she NEVER answers. i used to call more often, but over time i have been worn down by the rejection. she was my best friend. i have known her since i was 18. (i'm 31 now.) it would be nice to be able to talk about marcus with my best friend, but she doesn't know the first thing about him. i'm pretty sure she doesn't even know there is (or was) a marcus i cared about because i cannot recall the last time we had a good conversation.

so, i have no best friend. and i have no marcus. and, a while back i lost some of the closeness i had a friendship with a really close friend -- danyell. (i won't go over it here and now. it would be too much for me ... and, if you've read this far, you're probably thanking me for not wasting anymore of your time ...). the few important people of my choosing in my life are falling, somehow, by the wayside. i don't even feel like the efforts i make to prevent it even matter.

i feel a lot like it is fated.

so, i am left wondering ...

what and who is in the cards for me now?
c.

okay, so ...

2010-01-25T23:01:00.000-08:00

i feel better.

still lonely. still afraid. but, it just doesn't feel as overwhelming. but, today, i'm on something different.

this past weekend a question popped into my head, "where the fuck is the respect!?"

really.

i read someplace once that if you open your wallet and your money is all over the place facing everywhich way or crumpled or whatever (this is assuming you have cash), then it represents your respect for money and/or finances in general.

i'll let that marinate for a minute.

done?

okay, so, now i start to think. well, how does that translate across the board. assuming i am the center of my life (which at the moment feels very untrue) then where i sleep would have to be a big part of my center being as it should be ... which, apparently, at the moment (and for the past little bit of forever) is extremely disorganized, lacking my personality, lacking any sort of purpose ... you get the picture (and, i wouldn't dare post an actual picture), right? it occurred to me that if i really intend to find my way back then maybe i should start with digging myself out. out of the mess i call a room, moving on to the rest of the house, my car, and then on to the rest of my life. i'll start with the physical stuff in closest proximity ... the stuff i can most easily control. give that little bit of respect to myself and my life ... then, see where it leads.

a place for everything and everthing in its place,
c.

i think i'm lost.

2010-01-22T03:23:00.000-08:00

as a female, i am endowed with the ability to admit that, but i must say that more often than not i just keep driving around until i find "it." that seems to be what i'm doing now. i think more than anything thing else there is just one thing that stands between me and the rest of my life.

fear.

there, i said it. i am afraid. i think i am afraid of ending up back here again. i used to be a rising star. but, i crashed and burned way before my potential really hit its stride. i guess they call what has happened to me and my life "ambiguous loss." i can only imagine the multitudes of people who are in my very same boat after their own lives crashed and burned with the economy. my loss came way before that.

i'm sitting here alone. i have returned to blogging because i have no one to talk to who won't pepper me with "it'll be okays" or just think i'm plain crazy. actually, i just don't really have anyone to talk to. my parents are, bless their hearts, supporting me the only way they can. the parental stuff/advice they could offer me will only make the disappointment and loss i feel worse. my brothers are in their own shit (good, bad, or indifferent) and unavailable. my best friend got herself a husband and a baby on the way which amounts to unavailability. the rest of the people i'd consider my friends also have lives and none of them live within driving distance. and, while technology is great it still doesn't substitute for actual face time with some (and, no, skype doesn't count).

so, i am back to me. i've said before that being me is all fan-fucking-tastic and shit. well, not this morning it's not.

i'm lonely.

i'm afraid.

is there a map for that?
c.

a year ago ...

2010-01-01T23:13:00.000-08:00

i said i was going to go, go, go and find my way back to a "good me." it's been a long year. i'm not really sure i can say any great amount got done. i am, however, still here. and, trust me, that's an accomplishment in and of itself since i've been tried and tried again. half of the year was taken with finishing up my paralegal certificate. the other half found me working on the LSAT (not to my satisfaction yet ... still working) and becoming a surrogate mother to a 10-year-old. the LSAT is what it is and i'll keep working on it. the 10-year-old is a test of my patience. he is a wonderful kid, but needs extra attention to thrive at school ... and, essentially, for all that people "help," no one really, actually helps! it can feel infuriating and is perpetually draining. i must say, there really must be nothing like a mother's (and, i suppose a father's too) love or patience. and, if you are going it alone then go on with yo' bad self! shit. i wouldn't sign up for this for a million dollar bonus. i feel bad for feeling this way, but i don't know how not to. and, while i'm sure my feelings peek through now and again ... i'm sure that i don't let it seep into my relationship with him. still, i am not the fun one. i am the business one. when i say move you move. when it's time to do homework we do homework. if you can't spell a word or don't know a math fact, then --dammit -- by the end of the week you will. we get it done, and for all that he "suffers" i am right there "suffering" too. i used to love school, but it came easy for me. this is a whole new side of things. maybe this is how my brother felt about school. i hate it. i hate the teacher (that broad seems to be of less help with every new day ... a direct question gets a roundabout answer ... we're about to have a parent-teacher conference in the principle's office 'cause i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired with her ass!). i hate mornings about as much as i hate homework after school.

this though is what you do for the fam that counts. (and, yes, for me there are some who don't count ... and, yes, i do know that i'm going to hell so you can spare me the comment as i couldn't care less how you feel about my having said that! so, there! ha! bam! what!?) and, i'd do it again. i'm just not sure though if i'd sign up to do it by myself on purpose as a choice for my life unless i had the means by which to hire the help! i don't feel cut out to be a single mama.

anyways, the point of this post is this: i've accomplished little in many senses, but i have still been doing a lot in others. i'm going to try harder though to get back to good.

time will tell.

happy 2010,
c.

i think it's kinda sad ...

2009-06-09T05:14:00.000-07:00

i think it's kinda sad when everything you set out to accomplish is said and done, but it feels empty. finishing up my paralegal certificate and taking the LSAT all in one day were both so anti-climatic. just another day. and, it is really ... just another day.

ioftenfeelthatmydaysjustrunintoeachother ... norealbeginningandnorealend ... justabluroftimepassing.

and, today, i realized what that feeling is. it's loneliness. it's the kind of loneliness that comes when you no longer have that person there at the end of the day to share your day with. sometimes the someone is fam. sometimes the someone is my best friend. sometimes the someone is my man. but, right now, i feel like the someone is really no one.

no one.

i'll say it again, no one.

really, i said it again for my benefit. not yours. it makes me incredibly sad. crazy how many times i have to feel like who i want isn't here or who i want doesn't want me. how many times do i have to be here, and what am i missing. i feel like this ... like i must be missing something, and then it dawns on me.

i'm missing me! i am here! maybe i am all by myself (or, at least, i can feel like i am), but i am here. i haven't not shown up for myself yet. sometimes it takes me a little longer to come around or warm up to a situation or to own a feeling or to make a change ... but, in the end, i always show up.

i am there for me.

when i turned 30, i was there for me. and, that was enough. i didn't need people, places, things, or accomplishments. i just needed me -- to be me.

so, i've been being me ... moment to moment it's not always wonderful, but all around it's really fantastic. there are bright shining moments of hope and restoration i feel in my soul. i can feel myself mending simply because i decided to show up.

and, you know what ...

i think it's kinda sad more people can't be me!

;-)
c.

maybe i'll win ...

2009-01-06T23:59:00.000-08:00

sunday: i watched got my newest car, a 92 nissan maxima, tuned-up by my uncle. fed my niece dinner and put her to sleep where upon she had gas that made me think i was laying next to a grown-ass man and she's only 15-months!? went to bed late. nothing too interesting occured.

monday: got up waaaaay to early. made my car presentable for the washington state patrol inspection i had to get ... total fucking rip-off. 70 bucks for them to look at my car ... as in stand outside and glance at it ... check the vin number and the vin numbers of the parts we used to fix the car to make sure nothing was stolen ... then was told, you're all done ... 15 minutes = 70 bucks -- fuckers. went to jiffy lube and got their signature oil change for $2o.09. took my car for a 15+ mile ride so i'd be ready for the emissions test. got an emissions test ... passed with flying colors. played with my grumpy niece. grumpy niece decided she wanted a nap. watched a lame movie. played with niece. cooked. fed niece. bathed niece. played with niece. got car registered. said goodbye to niece. went to first day of second quarter classes. hated life. hated norm and "norm jr." decided not to take another quarter of bullshit ... found safety in numbers 'cause they don't want to take another quarter of bullshit either! got out of class early. ate pho with my mama. went to walmart in puyallup. got home around 1am. checked the mail. got a notice to appear in court for old shit -- freaked out ... crashed.

today: got up late. called attorney -- reassured, calmed down, old shit is not new shit just formalities. put insurance on car. showered. got dressed at a leisurely pace. ate chicken pot pie with cornbread crust. cleaned up a bit. hit the road. returned some things. got a new coffee tumbler. hit starbucks. went to class. bitched about norm to instructor who said she'd talk to the other instructor and to the program director. enjoyed class for a change. (is thinking about the homework now ...) got out of class early. returned some more things. picked up bro from work way the hell in sumner which is freakin' 21 miles from my home according to my gps -- wtf!? got home. ate b.s. crap ... aka, whatever i could find in the kitchen to eat. watched leverage. came upstairs. cleared my digi cam. checked my social networking sites. looked for jobs. checked out this week's secrets. doing this ... gonna go crash ...

thoughts: i feel like the court thing and getting a car and school mean my year is already looking up ... now all i need is a job. it's like Someone is telling me to keep my faith ...

maybe i'll win the mega millions!
c.

and, we're rolling ...

2009-01-03T00:13:00.000-08:00

i have managed to keep myself rolling in school for another few months. just enough time to come up with next quarter's tuition. it feels easier this time around. maybe it's because i've decided to stop "fighting." i'm just trying to go with the flow. i think everything happens for a reason, and i try to keep faith that there is a plan for me ... so, i am going with the flow. when something happens, good or bad, i am going to try to be strong, find my way through, and go in whichever direction it takes me. so, with school, i figured He'd make a way or He wouldn't; and, i would just deal. regroup, and keep moving. that doesn't mean that i sat idlely by and waited for something to fall in my lap. i looked for options and explored them, and i figured it would happen if it was supposed to.

i took my new wheels for a spin today ... illegally, since i have to get it inspected before i can register it in my name. it went well, until i forgot that i had to have a key for the door and one for the ignition; and, i didn't have the door key on me! guess who locked herself out of her own car! i ended up sitting at the mall for two hours. i didn't want to be there, but there i was. i had a good convo on the phone, played some brickbreaker, and watched some sprint tv. i kept my cool. i had a snack. finally, i got my key ... and, i put it on my ring! i just went with the flow ... it all worked out ... again.

imagine that.
c.

slow & easy

2009-01-02T04:02:00.000-08:00

the special of the day is "slow & easy."

i slept late.

moved slow.

things were easy.

nothing much happened.

i live at home. yes, with my family. i am almost thirty. that number doesn't really bother me. what bothers me more is the fact that i'd thought i would've been more, seen more, done more ... ya know? but, life has its twists and turns. mine took a turn for the worse in october 2004. since then, i have been in and out of this house, in and out of love, in and out of school, in and out of work (the army & nursing), and in and out of good health (emotional & physical). usually, all at the same time on some level. much of this weighs heavily on my heart ... as well as my mind and my body. but, on NYE, i tried to let it go for a few hours. enjoy the good company. get out of my own heart & head space. then i got up today and tried to take a "holiday" from all the things that would normally have my mind working overtime ... instead, slow & easy.

i slept until after 330. i got up. conversed with megan, my mama, and gp. then i slowly got ready to do something. stopped by the mall for 45min with the fam. drove to seattle with the fam where we ate at ivar's on the waterfront and saw gran turino (clint eastwood) at the meridian 16. drove home in the heavy snow-mixed with rain downpour. got into my pj's, watched some tv, and had a glass of columbia winery cellarmaster's reisling. now i am blogging.

i have mixed feelings about heading into tomorrow/today. i have to get it moving tomorrow. tomorrow, i have to start ...

finding my way back,
c.

at the beginning ...

2009-01-01T06:53:00.000-08:00

i am at the beginning.

at the beginning of something new. someone new. i am reinventing my life and me in it this year.

really, these seeds of change have already been sowed. they will find their roots in heartbreak, disappointment, sadness, pain, and hope that has long since disapated; but, there is more. there is also love, joy, ideas (decent to good ones), heart, and the faith that remains. the point is these seeds of change have been sowed in a what remains of my life as i have known it. the good will perpetuate itself, and the bad ... well, shit can be a really good fertilizer to help make things grow that turn out to be good and strong.

i am bruised, but not broken ... nothing that can't mend with the right amount of love and attention.

i'm taking a deep breath and i am going to go, go, go ...

going, going, going,
c.

28 days

2008-12-18T22:56:00.000-08:00

isn't that how long some rehab stints are?

well, if so, then i guess i'll be in rehab for another 28 ... because, emotionally, i'm still miserable. i suppose though that is what happens when your heart gets dropped like a hot potato by someone who misrepresented themselves. which is how i feel. i feel like he just told me lies. right up to that perfect point when i "needed" him and trusted him ... then he just stopped telling them.

they say, "things fall apart." all my shit falls apart. i keep going over my part of things again and again. i don't lay faultless, but didn't do anything deserving of this. but, once again, i am here.

alone.

lonely.

sad.

afraid.

wanting.

wanting even the very thing that has me feeling so low. knowing even that it really might just be a poison or a distraction, but not the real thing. wondering how you know the real thing when it comes along. what if i had the real thing, but i didn't know it; and, what if now it's gone?

hurting.
c.

and, just like that ...

2008-11-28T16:38:00.001-08:00

the warm breeze turns cold.

my new love is becoming my old love. the "us" that felt so easy and so right has been dismantled. i am trying to put away the pieces of "us" that are mine. maybe refurbish a few and put them back in place.

i don't like where the wind blew me this time, but it is always changing directions.

for now, i have to go back to the business of filling the spaces in my life and in my heart with something real of substance. i feel the loneliness settling back in. and, unfortunately, it is impossible not to let some of the love i have be lost after yet another failed relationship. with every failed relationship, i feel like i have a little less left of myself ... like sooner or later i'm going to have to decide that i'm enough at the end of my day.

i feel a lot like in the end it'll just be me. no one will be there because i will be too jaded to let anyone else in. how do you continue to be open when all it ever gets you is hurt? i am trying to live just in this moment, but i may not be strong enough.

i want so badly to completely surrender myself to Him so that His will, through me, can be done; however, that is as they say, "easier said than done." i am going to try ...

holding fast to faith.

c.

men like that ...

2008-10-08T00:44:00.000-07:00

so, my new like has slowly been growing into my new love. and, it's amazing. he is amazing. everyday, in new ways i love him more ... for who is his and how he loves me. lol, my mother says to me the other day, "men like that" referencing cooking and cleaning, etc. i thought it was funny. i mean, "gee, that must have been my problem all this time!" NOT! it is always funny to me how other people see and interpret things or other people's lives. in any case, that has never been my problem. i can cook. i can clean. and, while i know men can like those things (as can women -- i certainly do.) ... love is so much more than that. and, i get so much more than that from him ... i think he feels that way too. already, we have been through our fair share of ups and downs. but, we have gotten through them. and, the best part is that i don't feel so much like i am sacrificing or compromising myself. not that we don't sacrifice or compromise, but i don't feel sacrificed or compromised. i am real with him and he is real with me ... our relationship feels more real to me than i think i've ever had a relationship feel.

still riding the gentle, warm breeze,
c.

whichever way the wind blows

2008-06-04T02:16:00.000-07:00

i feel sometimes that my life is as free as wind, and has a mind of its own. i have stopped making plans. i only have ideas. ideas on life. ideas on my life. three months ago another of my plans came to an untimely and unsatisfying end, but i know no matter how it feels it is some of the change and progress my life so desperately needed. my life was blowing in one direction, and i kept fighting it. i stopped fighting. i let go. i decided to go whichever way the wind blows. and, as unexpectedly as ever, a warm, gentle breeze blew me in a direction i didn't think i would be going this soon.

we really never know what is just around any bend. if it'll be good. if it'll be bad. i still don't know. and, i can only see as far as the horizon, but my heart tells me so much more is past the horizon my eye can see. they say love, how we love, is infinite. i think maybe i believe them because i have loved so much and in so many different ways. everyday a new like starts in my heart, and i can't be sure it'll be love ... but, it's a start.

i am wondering if my new like could end up being my new love.

but, you know what, i don't really much care if it will or it won't be. i am having fun again. i am feeling better about myself and about life a little more everyday. i am fitting the pieces of my heart back together again and learning to fill the spaces in between with good people, good places, good things, good ideas ... and, hopefully, with good, good love. no matter where my new like takes me, i'll be okay catching a gentle breeze or a strong wind and going whichever way it may blow. i can change, you can change ... we can change the world if we want ... i'm starting by changing my own in small ways ... everyday.

i'm gonna take my chances.
c.

(and, yes, i was listening to #41 (v. 08.31.08).)

it has been 2 months now ...

2008-04-30T01:57:00.000-07:00

since things fell apart. i am having a hard time picking up the pieces big enough to matter, and figuring out where to put them next. how does what's left go back together, and what do i fill in the spaces with? the spaces of my heart echo with a loneliness i can't ever seem to forget. a loneliness i dread, but one i have come to expect ... time and time again ... the truth is i know.

so, then, why do i keep doing this again and again ... knowing, pretty much, how i think it'll end?

i'm not sure i ever really give myself time to mend. time to figure out what *****I***** should fill the spaces with ... i just allow someone to come along, and then i begin again to pretend it will be different with this man. i am tempted to say something crazy ... something drunk people say ... something like I'LL NEVER ... NEVER, NEVER AGAIN. lucky for me, i am not drunk (wait, maybe i should be??? then i could wax poetic for real) ... well, anyways, i know how unlikely "never" tends to be.

i'm sure it will happen again ... maybe all too soon. we just never know do we?

what i do know is how selective memory can be. there are so many moments i can remember. so many i am able to see, touch, taste, hear and smell ... some good, and some bad. i keep hearing that song in my head from "hope floats" ... "what makes you stay, when you world falls apart ... what makes you try one more time when it's not what's in your heart ... at the end of your rope, when can't find any hope ..." it's the memory of those good moments. i find that i really can be "bass ackwards" when it comes to this ... when i should be letting go, i find myself holding on to those moments and telling myself, "it could be."

even now, i want them to be.

and, not just with t. ... hell, with lovers past in general. the smiles, the touches, the laughter, the joy, the just-can't-get-enough. generally, this will fade into the memory of the bad moments ... and, i will be thoroughly down about it all ... wading deep through the loneliness i just can't seem to forget and remembering how bad it felt to be with some of those men -- it'll be enough for me to eventually realize the loneliness i think is just so unbearable is actually better than being with them (with the exception of the sex ... i mean, a little self-pleasure is fine, but like prince and sinead said, "nothing compares." come to think of it ... sometimes i stay a little too long based on the sex ... bleh, moving on ...). after i start to think this, i'll pick myself back up again ... and, then i'll run into whomever is to be my next train wreck. who knows ...

maybe this time it'll be different? (heck, it could even be you!?)
c.

misgivings ...

2008-04-17T02:36:00.000-07:00

i sometimes wish i could take things back, but then i am jarred back to the reality that while a spontaneous and somewhat free-spirited person i often take things into a great amount of consideration before rendering a decision. it is odd how it all balances out, but it does balance out. i am most often left with what is a rather good decision, and not one that should be regretted for a millisecond. i try to live with as little regret as possible. life is impermanent. this is often one of the hardest things for so many people, myself included, to accept. this rings especially true for me when it comes to my heart. the heart wants what it wants. the heart knows nothing, really, of the necessity of change ... and, often has difficulty shifting gears. but, i am trying to downshift ... see if i can't get over and cruise the slow lane for a bit -- give my heart time to recover. it is hard though to get through the hurt, and to let go of what will never be once and for all. i don't think it'll ever really leave though. i think some part of this hurt will always be with me. i think it is unfortunate ...

but, true ...
c.

can't get enough

2008-04-16T03:16:00.000-07:00

or, so it seems. i really, really, really, really, really want to contact t. tonight. night is always the worst ... cold and lonely.

silence

2008-03-31T16:48:00.000-07:00

i think silence is often the most deafening sound. especially when it's rooted in lack of communication from another. but, his silence must mean he has chosen ... to let go as well. as much as i would like a goodbye or some other kind of closure is as much as i think it would be a crock. so, i just really have to stick to it now. i really have to remember to let go of things/relationships past and be open to life. the weight of it feels so heavy. the sadness and the silence in my heart always seem so profound ... like it might never go away. maybe it doesn't. maybe it is just masked by other things from time to time. anyways,

what do i know?
c.

i've tried

2008-03-25T03:42:00.000-07:00

to hold fast to my convictions when it comes to my back and forth relationship with t. and, i have come through with some measure of success. i know that this place i'm feel like i'm in and the weight of it will pass in due time. but, nevertheless, i hate this place as i well hate the time it would seem must be spent here. i wish it was as easy as making up my mind. if it was then this matter would be done; but, alas, it is not.

my heart still does not agree. my heart gave it one long last effort. i appealed to his heart in writing. honestly, i hate myself for it; but, i have little doubt that i'll live with less regret writing the letter than i would have had if i had not written it. it is in part a map to my heart and a map to the places a person most often keeps secret within it. i have never written a more deeply personal letter than this one, and i have been known to write a letter or two in the past.

i have chosen my moment though ... the moment to let go and let God. even though i have free will and i am free to choose ... i don't know if i believe the outcome rests in our hands, but His hands. i made the decision to pursue t. ... just as i made the decision to cease the pursuit -- the decision to stop "fighting" for and to stop waiting for something it seems just isn't fated to be. i told t. this is my moment ... he has to chose his own moments. and, no matter if we somehow go forward together from here or if i go forward alone ... i hope happiness for us both. and, as always, i will be okay.

--c.

walking away

2008-03-15T21:45:00.000-07:00

is hard to do. i find though that turning my back on someone is sometimes the very definition of taking care of myself. which is what i am doing. i can do bad by myself without help from the likes of t. my heart wants so badly to stay, but i know i should go. what would be the point in staying? more hurt? more disappointment? more anger? undoubtly i'm sure. and, in response to my feelings i get, "you'll be okay." you know what, I KNOW I WILL. and, i'll be okay WITHOUT him. he has made clear his lack of committment to making this work whether he knows it or not. his actions most undoubtedly speak louder than his words. he speaks a mighty big game and falls awfully short on backing that up ... i told him once to man up or be out. now, i'm taking my own advice ... it's a tough, but necessary truth to swallow. there is so much potential, but potential doesn't always get you as far as you need to go.

so, once more into the deep ... broken-hearted ...

but, not broken ...
c.

putting up my guard ...

2008-03-12T13:55:00.000-07:00

i think things are never supposed to be this hard. and, it is not really that things are hard ... but, moreso that i feel like i just keep running into this wall. still haven't figured out what the deal is. t. has been back since the last few days in february. we are now well into march and still ... nothing ... no communication now that he's stateside. it is so much simpler between us when he is out on deployment ... the energy between us is much more focused. go figure. i have decided to stand my ground though. i'm not putting any more out there ... what i'm am doing is putting up my guard more and more with each passing moment. i'd really like not to get hurt by him ... again. red flags abound with him ... my mind works a million miles a second telling me to run the other way, but my heart says stay.

i am crazy.
c.

february has come and gone ...

2008-03-02T01:53:00.001-08:00

i can't say as i've accomplished too much over the last month. i've gotten to the gym sporadically. i've made headway with the va on my healthcare. i took care of some legal stuff. i have gotten started on some financial things i need to clarify with the va, an insurance claim and taxes. i've managed to be dreadfully indecisive about terrance. I GOT MY FIRST DAVE MATTHEWS TICKET FOR THE YEAR -- WOOT, WOOT!!! i am in a weird place with some of my friends ... particularly rik. it's just a weird space ... no other way to describe it. i think though that the issues lies with needing to make this part of my journey (or them need to make this part of their journey) alone -- in a matter of speaking. 29 looms before me and the weighty idea of thirty is ever-present ... life is changing all around me, but not necessarily for me at this point. i can feel the energy of change in the air though. and, i welcome it ... i'd love the chance to shake things up. february wasn't all it could have been, but it could have been worse ...

s.o.p. as usual,
c.

starting anew ...

2008-02-18T05:14:00.000-08:00

i've been thinking a lot lately about starting a new blog. starting anonomously fresh ... "anonomously" being the key word here. i think sometimes it would be nice to be just another blogger once again. besides, these words seem stale. even as i sit here typing, i can see the words becoming old ... they have no *oomph* or whatever. i have been blogging without posting quite a bit lately. sometimes i just can't seem to finish my thoughts, others i don't want to finish, and still others i'd rather not really post 'cause i don't want to really, really be that candid.

changing the subject, terrance will be stateside soon and then may come visit. he and i have been cat and mousing it for years ... changing roles when it suits us. somedays i think it would be nice to see him. other days i could care less one way or the other. other days i'm nervous about the idea. and, still, other days i am absolutely against the idea. i have no clear idea what i want here. i sometimes think the thing is setting the bar low to stave off the possibility of disappointment as terrance can quite often manage to disappoint me on an emotional level. i don't want to be that girl right now. i have more than enough on my plate without that. i find though that trying to do this never really works. the heart wants what it wants no matter how low a bar my mind may set. rationally, i should dismiss the idea of him visiting altogether and tell him not to come here. but, if i lead with my heart, then i should see where this goes ... my heart, though, is often a lot of trouble.

the benadryl is taking hold ... must. sleep. now.

zzzzz,
c.

i find myself

2008-02-04T03:47:00.000-08:00

so often awake in these wee hours ... of the night or the morning depending on how you look at it. there is something peaceful about this time. i know somewhere on the other side of the world things are awake and bright and busy ... but, here, on my side of the world it seem that most things/people are asleep. i often wonder what people who are not up with intent are doing. people like me who just spend the hours meant for sleeping wide awake. it seems odd that there was a point when the only light a person would have had at this hour was from the moon, the stars or a fire. now i have the light of this computer i sit at ... or i can find a battery-powered light source or i can just flick a switch. i wonder if i would have liked it back when the moonlight, the starlight and the firelight were popular. it seems sad sometimes that we lose the stars in the sky to our modern power. i treasure the few times a year when the stars shine brightly in a less populated corner of the earth. i love it when i can look up at them from the warmth of the ocean in my birthday suit ... what's not to love? i wish i could be there now. it seems so far away from anything ... from everything. those moments are all mine ... so few ... and, so precious.

i wish i may, i wish i might.
c.

i made it to the gym ...

2008-02-03T01:28:00.001-08:00

on friday. i didn't go today/yesterday/saturday. i could make excuses, but the bottom line was that i didn't feel well ... my back was not in top form, i had a killer headache. and, i can admit that i was feeling awfully lazy and a little down (aka, sorry for myself). i get that way from time to time. but, if you knew -- you'd know that i should be allowed to feel that way now and again. it's healthy. life is not at all what i ... i don't know ... planned, expected, hoped ... and, it's not many more things ...

i think sometimes though that life is a whole lot about letting go. i have to let go of expectations that i have for myself, my life and the people and places in it. i have to let go of what people expected of me and most of all what i expected for myself. holding on only creates more pain for what isn't. i have to focus on this moment. on who i am. on where i am at. i what i have (in more than the physical sense). because, this moment is all i have. the next moment can cease to exist in an instant ... and, i don't want to have a life full of regret ... a life that lacks substance. so, i have really been working hard to make the small changes that matter. telling my mama i love her more often. spending time with my little brother before life changes him in big ways ... while he's still all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. telling my best friend how much it means to me that she really knows me for better or for worse and is still my friend because she wants to be. trying to be real with the man i'd like to share my heart with even if that means walking away and being alone (in that sense).

letting go is the hardest thing for me. you spend so much time ... invest so much into a thing ... or an idea ... or a place ... or a person ... and, then in the end, you have to let it go. even the good things don't last ... even those moments are fleeting. those you remember, but i don't try to hold on to them ... even they are not mine to keep. they happen. the are fabulous. they are fleeting. they are worth remembering. but, i think sometimes if you try too hard to hold on to them they sour. they become worth less somehow. i'm not sure if i'm making sense right now. these are just thoughts.

i'll leave you to them.
c.

december 2007 - january 2008 - Feb 1st

2008-02-01T04:28:00.000-08:00

so, december was a pretty good month for me. my cell crapped out at the beginning of the month so my early christmas gift from my mama was a new one ... i got the super-homie hook up: htc mogul (pocket pc). nice phone, but i have learned it is super-bulky. and, i'm rough on phones so i have to be all extra-careful. it's a drag. and, no earpiece seems to work well with my phone. i'm annoyed. but, i have a phone and it works ... even if i am virtually earpiece-less in this state with new laws on hands-free.

and, in december, i went on a cruise! yup, a cruise! it was soooo much fun! i went to the eastern carribean with some of my fam. i had a blast ... fun and sun! i can't wait to go on another one. it's a really different way to vacation. i really do like to go somewhere and ultra-explore it, but this was nice ... a super-extra big "designated driver" ... entertainment, drinks, food, luxury, new people and multiple destinations. i have to say though, i'll never ever travel without an otc diuretic again. my ankles and feet were so swollen they hurt ... i think it was the extra salinity of everything given that our fresh potable water was made from the ocean. i lived, but i really could have done without that drama! otherwise, that is a beautiful part of the world and i enjoyed very much the company of my fam (but, next time i want my own room!)! also: we departed from miami so we spent a little time there before and after -- very, very rude city. they drive horribly. english is a second language ... i'm not in a rush to return to miami, but in all fairness i will give it another chance (i'm a little weary of the idea of going for my master's down there ...) ... ugh. next time a different port is in order -- like maybe puerto rico!

so, we got home from our cruise on christmas day -- it snowed! we had dinner at my auntie's which was nice. that was it for christmas ...

i popped bottles on new year's with some folks i know at venom. i actually was mostly out by myself and then ended up at venom. it was cool. another new year's that really didn't live up to the hype though. it has made me come to a new conclusion: i no longer look for the party ... i am the party (me and whomever i am with) ... i can have fun where i am and with who i am with -- party like a rock star.

december gave way to january ...

terrance and i have been talking more than usual lately which would be of his doing since he is calling me from iraq. we did go through a bit of shit though ... a lot of me telling him how i think he's an asshole for not putting more into whatever we are doing. him trying to not talk about it and at the same time make concessions to stay in my good graces. once again he is talkin' the talk about coming out to seattle after he gets back this month (feb 08) ... i won't hold my breath, but i still hope.

my health issues are being attended ... so far, so good. as far as all that is concerned this year is already going better than last year ... woot, woot!

i caught up with an old friend, louis. it's been good to catch up with him and strange because he is having his own health issues which puts us in this boat together ... the boat of understanding what's it's like to have to deal with health issues for an extended period. lucky for him his shouldn't be long term.

so, now we are a month into 2008. so far, it's okay.

i have been tempted by resolutions ... i never keep 'em though. i thought i'd set monthly goals, but that isn't panning out seeing as january is done and i didn't really get around to my goal(s). there is always tomorrow i guess.

i am really going to try to go to the gym later today. i don't care if i can only do five minutes of something dammit. i am tired of being caught in this catch-22 where my back hurts more than it would if i was a smaller size (i'm overweight), but i'm still overweight because my back hurts. fuck my back. and, fuck being overweight. i need a new life. so, i will hit the percocet in a major way and then hit the gym in whatever way possible. five minutes, here i come. back pain, here i come too.

slow and steady,
c.

i am many things.

2007-11-15T04:33:00.000-08:00

the least of which, i often feel, is sane. i sometimes really feel like i can't wrap my head around myself and my life. so much and so little all at the same time for me. from the outside looking in i know i can't seem as miserable as i am. i feel miserable. my body HURTS. my heart and mind follow suit to a lesser extent. my head is so full. my heart is so empty. the contrast is remarkable, but maybe not unexpected. and, honestly, though some days i wouldn't agree ... i really think it is best this way. i really did take a giant step back from a great many people, and without them around i have come to realize what little purpose they serve in my life. i don't find that i feel as though i have served some great purpose in theirs. it makes things so much simpler.

the greatest of which is hopeful. i hope so many things for those closest to me and for myself.

the newest of which is an auntie. my brother and kong had a baby girl. kai malea. she is a tiny, cute little one. they are all doing well. :-)

in this moment, i am tired of so many things. i am trying to figure out if i forgot to buy something for thanksgiving dinner. i am sitting on the couch. i am having a glass of wine ... maybe two. i am going to look over rik's paper. i am going to find sleep soon. i am done with this post.

auntie?

2007-10-16T12:47:00.000-07:00

i may be!?

i wonder

2007-09-12T22:54:00.000-07:00

i wonder sometimes what headspace i am in when i blog. re-reading old blogs has me wondering that ... but, in any case, i have been thinking about books. about reading.

i've covered a lot of reading material this summer. the one book that stuck with me the most was eat, pray, love: one woman's search for everything across italy, india and indonesia by elizabeth gilbert. it's a memoir about just what the title says. i would quote the the whole book for you if i could. i loved it. it was like in many ways looking at myself (but with a different set of issues) ... and, she said things that seemed to be quoted from my head or my heart. especially this quote:

“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have
always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”

--eat, pray, love ... e. gilbert

this is so true of myself. often have i found myself to be in love with the idea of someone. and, to be hurt (of my own doing) when i realize my own harsh reality. i am a lot better about it now though. i have first instincts about people which most often end up being true. people tell me about themselves and i can hear it. but, often, when it came to my heart i didn't listen. if it was just a neighbor or a co-worker i would immediately like or dislike them based on my first instincts, but if it was a romantic interest i didn't operate that way!? but, i have learned to follow my instincts and to lean towards the idea of someone ... it is a tricky thing to do both successfully and at the same time. it's not just hard to know when to walk away from someone, but it's hard to follow through with it ... it is hard to come to know when you are doing yourself a disservice by keeping a person in your life. i find it is often heart-wrenching to undo their presence as well. especially if they have been around for ages and are weaved intricately into the people and the places with whom and which you are most familiar. i realize that i occasionally see fit to make changes in my life ... i attempt to rid myself of people who have no positive place in my life ... this, i find, is especially true of men. and, often times, i go back and forth on this idea with these men. i find myself pulling away from them ... and i am sometimes drawn back. it is hard to resist a bad habit ... sometimes. but, reality always manages to check me. and, when this happens i go confidently in the direction of my stronger self. the one who says, "you are not good for me and i do not need you," to these men. it is a constant struggle. but, as always, i know i am a work in progress.

but, back to the book ...

"WilderDaze" ... a blog i happened upon has other great excerpts (http://wilderdaze.wordpress.com/2007/07/26/some-highlights-of-eat-pray-love/). really, though, i would recommend you read the book. especially before they make it a movie starring julia roberts. while i like movies and julia roberts well enough, screenplays have a certain ability to ruin what was perfectly good book. not all the time, but a lot of the time. i'll keep hope alive that this is untrue of this particular case because i so love the book. so now, instead of wondering about my headspace ... i hope you leave here wondering about the book.

as for me ...

i am wondering if you'll read the book!
c.

a whole two months

2007-07-26T21:51:00.001-07:00

i feel like i'm backsliding. i can see happiness before me as i sink deeper into unhappiness. i want to wake up with a different set of problems. ones that are far less serious and stressful. is that possible? i guess -- even with my bad luck -- i'll keep playing the lottery. then maybe at least money won't be an issue. 'cause most of us know money does not solve all things ... still, it would certainly help.

i am so lonely. so stressed. so unhappy. so tired.

i feel like i'm on a sinking ship ... like i am drowning on dry land.

try, try again.

2007-05-23T22:33:00.000-07:00

i have moments of clarity and moments of happiness. sometimes i get lucky and these moments coincide with one another. other times, they are separate ... but, i take them as they come. i have no idea why that's important. maybe because right now i am feeling neither. pms is a bitch. and, really, when i look at the calendar ... monitor my eating habits ... and feel so damn emotional i can tell that's what it is -- p. m. s. bleh. and, try as i might, i cannot shake it or head it off. i wish i could. i wish i could just skip it all together. and, i know i could take some form of b.c. to help. but, truth be told, i don't want to put anymore meds in my body. i already take enough. and, hell, i hate taking the ones i have. what's worse is that my current place in life lacks the things i would like to have ... things ... tHiNgs ... THINGS!!!???!!! dammit. sometimes i just think i should rid myself of my posessions and try making a go of life without them. maybe if i had nothing and tried to obtain nothing else material then i might manage to be a bit happier. actually, wait, i bet if i just knew that i had some sorta nest egg i'd be fine. but, things are so minute to minute with me. this is often plenty good. but, i can't say that it is when you really, really want to get the fuck outta dodge for a hot second and you can't because it would mean not paying some bills. it's much harder to live the spontaneous way i'd like without adequate cash flow. i know, i know ... spontaneous should be able to be affordable. maybe i'm a little high maintenance on that level.

fuck, i'm bored. i'm a bit lonely. i've decided to cut ties with any of the current men in my life. the don't do me any damn good. period. i can feel bad all by myself.

i am forever grateful ...

2007-05-13T17:07:00.000-07:00

to my mama!

she is what holds me together. she is what holds my whole family together. we all love her for it! i don't know what i would do without her. she gives of herself without regards to what she will get in return. our success is her success. my mama is the definition of unconditional love. she is the picture of god's love for me. and, if i have children, i hope my children will feel that i have loved them even 1/100th as much as i feel my mother loves me because her love is so strong and deep. her love for me makes it easier for me to love myself and for me to know how it is i want someone to love me. her love for her family makes it easier to know how i should love my family and makes it easier to love them without condition. i can only hope to love and be as loved as she.

happy mother's day to my mama and you and yours!
c.

near mrs.

2007-05-09T02:33:00.000-07:00

so, i was thinking about dating. i was thinking about near misses, almost being a mrs. ... and, all the rest of them. i've been a fool for love plenty times. but, i can say that i've learned something about myself and about life every time. i laughed, i learned, i fought, i won, i lost, i discovered, i flew-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, i planned, i hurt, i soared, i grew ... i lived. i have danced the night away. i have talked the night away. i have laughed the night away. i have seen sunsets. i have seen sunrises. i have skinny-dipped. i have kissed in the rain. i have kissed on a beach ... in the sand, in the surf. i have kissed until i was late for work ... school ... or, whatever. i have locked the door only to come up for sustenance. i went to my first drive in. i crossed lines. i tried new things.

i will always be thankful to them ... all of them.

i think sometimes about how things ended. and, i laugh a lot about how much of a mess i was at the time. i see it in journals and blogs i revisit. i have come to realize that in life i most regret my reactions to things. i tend to be a very "first thing that comes to mind comes out of my mouth or comes to fruition" kind of person ... a very emotional responder. i am learning to "slow down" and think a bit more first because i am tired of regretting my reactions. basically, i'm learning to temper the aries in me ... to temper all my emotion with a little bit of rational thought.

and, when i think about it ... all those guys with whom things did not pan out all did me a huge favor ... they all taught me something. and, some of them let me go ... thank goodness!?! to think that i could have stayed with any of them any longer than i did. it's amazing what hindsight can do to your perspective. i realize that i compromised some part of myself to be with each of them ... which, isn't always a bad thing ... because i think being with someone is about a certain amount of compromise. but, i realized that none of the compromises i made with those men in the past would have been something i could have lived with long-term.

i feel blessed to have learned so much. i feel blessed to know i am being prepared ... by coming to know myself more ... and by coming know what i need. all of it preparing me to know and recognize the man who will truly reflects God's love for me.

in the meantime ...

i am blessed with hope.
c.

burning the midnight oil.

2007-05-09T02:12:00.000-07:00

as is my style, i am burning the midnight oil. i should be asleep. really. i have a long, boring and tedious day ahead of me. i will regret not sleeping more i am sure. but, such is life. i feel compelled to be here. to write. to share. i was hoping to feel compelled to update the pics on my myspace, but that feeling never took. i watched some tv. i like "the gilmore girls." i am sad to know that it is coming to an end. will rory start to find her way again ... or will she just keep things wide open? will luke and lorelai get back together? while i know the series finale will be good, i aslo know it will be disappointing. you always want more. like with "sex and the city" and "everwood." but, i guess that's what the finale is supposed to do ... kinda wrap it up, but alway "keep 'em wanting more," huh. so yeah, what else did i do? i gave rik my addy for like the millionth time. maybe i'll get that chick an address book to go with the cookbook i'm supposed to make her this year. i talked to my mama. i ate pizza. it wasn't that good which is a bit disappointing seeing as how i have been craving pizza. i kinda looked forward to a phone call that never came. no big surprises there. so, i am keepin' it movin' ... or, at least, trying to.

i am going to sleep.
c.

i want.

2007-05-04T00:49:00.001-07:00

i want to play the guitar.
i want to be fluent in italian.
i want to get a good night's sleep.
i want to be in good time. early. late. on time. the right time. in good time.
i want to go full steam ahead.
i want to quit.
i want to smile more.
i want to laugh more.
i want a new(er) car (assuming it's an improvement on the one i have now!?).
i want to sing.
i want more love.
i want to be okay with not being okay.
i want to take more pictures.
i want to write more.
i want to decide.
i want to know i can change my mind.
i want the pain i feel to be managable.
i want to be fluent in japanese.
i want to travel.
i want to live in the south pacific.
i want to traipse through ancient ruins in south america.
i want to be fluent in spanish.
i want to swim well.
i want to ride my front edge with ease.
i want to skydive.
i want to pick up surfing.
i want to experience the sun rising at the ends of the earth.
i want a new pair of new balances.
i want to learn to stop worrying.
i want to trust. God. myself.
i want to know what to say.
i want to dance.
i want to cook more.
i want to read.
i want to hear.
i want to see.
i want to know.
i want to love more.
i want men to have severe cramps just so they know.

i want to live more.
c.

words, words, words.

2007-04-29T23:50:00.000-07:00

i have rediscovered the library! i've been devouring book after book. reading several at a time. finding myself lost in their stories and finding myself in their stories. at this time of great personal turmoil i find encouragement in these books. they remind me that it is always darkest the hour before dawn. and, i am encouraged that this last year has been a dark hour before a new dawn in my life.

i am looking forward to exploring this new day with fresh eyes and a fresh perspective. i feel like i am being given the chance of a lifetime to make new choices, to follow new paths and to go in new directions. and, like anyone, i am tempted to curse for the time i've spent previous to this which would seem a waste ... but, i am wiser now and know that i would not be who i am or where i am today without those experiences.

i feel like first light is near ...

i hope it is.
c.

it's my birthday ...

2007-03-27T21:22:00.000-07:00

get crazy! it's my birthday! make noise!

well, i guess someone should. i'm 28 today ...

the coolest thing that happened to me was getting flowers! i got flowers! my best friend is the coolest. i've gotten flowers on rare occasions in my life ... and, this time i couldn't have needed a little pick-me-up more than i did at the time! they're beautiful and they haven't even bloomed yet!

otherwise, i am sitting on the couch in my pj's which is where i've been pretty much all day. it's cold. i'm bored. i'm a little bit lonely.

things are kinda shit. last year this time i was in a bad mood with really what amounted to no good reason ... this year, i have a reason. but, i'm not in a bad mood ... i'm just sad. i'm so broke right now that my cell phone got cut off. it was working this morning and by lunch, nada. you can laugh. i did ... but, it was more of that laughing that turns to tears. and, really, i guess i don't mind. anyone who really matters can reach me.

in general, things just aren't going so well. if you read my last blog you'd get the feelin' for the funk i'm in. i am hoping i can shake all of this soon. but, for now ...

in a few i'm gonna find some kinda dessert ... something. maybe there's an oreo!? and, i'm gonna put a candle in it ... or maybe i'll just light the candle. and, i'm gonna make a wish.

and, luck-smuck, i'll tell you what i'm wishin' myself ...

i wish myself happiness.

simple and uncomplicated happiness.

happy birthday to me,
c.

i am not okay.

2007-03-24T02:16:00.000-07:00

but, i am trying to tell myself that it is okay that i am not okay. i am trying to convince myself of this fact. i keep telling myself that it would be abnormal for it to be any other way. what i hate the most is that in one month it could be even more than not okay ... even worse than it is now. how is that possible?

and, no matter how much i try to prepare myself ... i cannot. i have tried ... i tried to prepare myself for where i am now, but i could not. i wasn't even able to soften the blow. hope for the best, but expect the worse ... yeah, that didn't work. and, now, i'm afraid.

i am afraid.

i am afraid that it will get worse. i am afraid it will continue to haunt me even after it's done ... that it will never really be done.

i don't even know how i got here. i woke up one morning with nothing to do, but homework and work. i just wanted coffee. and, on the other day, i was blindsided. i was having so much fun. on both of those mornings, if someone would have told me how my day would end ... i would not have believed them. if a year ago, someone told me i'd be sitting here writing this ... i would not have believed them. but, i'm a believer now ... now, i would believe them. now i would put my pj's back on, pull the covers over my head and wait it out. which is kinda what i am doing now.

i am not okay.

but, maybe it will be ...
c.

he left

2007-02-07T01:07:00.000-08:00

my dad left today. should be gone for about a year. first maryland for a few days, then n.c. for a week or so, then off to kuwait for the rest of the time. it's weird for him not to be here. we don't often see eye to eye. we have too much attitude for our own goods. we are so different and so much the same. it's funny because there are so many ways in which my father does not constitute my measure of man and then at the same time so many ways in which he does. whether i care to admit it or not, he is part of my support system. he is one of those people who take care of me. now, i am the "i can take of myself - don't need anybody kind of a girl," but the truth is that that's not the truth. i cried when he left ... i've cried off and on in short bursts for the last few days. i am crying now. i miss him. i will miss him. i hope he takes care of himself and comes home well.

i love her earrings

2007-01-31T03:19:00.000-08:00

and, i tune into oprah many times just to check them out. why i read the magazine i don't know, but i do. i read an article once about a convent in the NE somewhere, and right now i find myself wanting to go there to hide out from everyone and everything.

i'm finding it hard, once again, to pick myself up. i have things to do, but i can't seem to want to do them. i just want all of it to disappear -- me included. now, there is some rational part of me that realizes this is just a crap idea! it's just ridiculous, but it doesn't stop me from dreaming about it. *sigh* in any case, i have another problem. how to just stop with these men. these being patrick, terrance and maxi.

patrick as it turns out is a liar by omission. and, i'm tired of it ... by the way i have a daughter ... then a year later still has not told me about his son. then conveniently forgets he is now seeing one of his exes ... whatever.

terrance is just not that into me and is bad news for the health of my emotional heart. but, he calls and texts quite a bit lately. i am just really feeling like he's a day late and a dollar short. but, i sometimes can't help myself to the phone or the texts or ... whatever.

maxi ... he and i will just never vibe that way. we have been intimate, but there is just this level he doesn't get me on. and, there are other levels i find myself keeping from him. and, i have this small problem with me, him and money. we just don't mix. there are some trust issues. there are a lot of communication problems ... yeah, are we getting this picture?

*sigh* i just want to get my shit together. starting with getting myself off the couch ... almost for good. and moving on to my finances. then to my location. then on to my education. one day i hope to be fretting about which earrings to wear ... to wherever ... for now i just need to focus on me and go about applying duct tape to various areas of my life, 'cause you know duct tape is forever.

i need some me time,
c.

whiplash

2007-01-26T02:21:00.000-08:00

yup, i've got whiplash. and, from snowboarding no less! spent a few days up at whistler; man, it was hard work ... and, SO MUCH FUN!!! but, now i'm on the couch. i'm just here ... i feel like i'm waiting for something when really i'm not.

lately, i've been chatting with terrance over text. we had a conversation or two, but they usually don't last more than a few brief minutes. he is hardcore not down to be with anyone, at least not me. and, you know, i finally get it ... i get it because i've had the chance to be in his shoes. there is a guy i've been talking to ... and, he is like me with terrance ... i am like terrance with him. does that make sense? i am here, busy ... and not busy ... still i didn't call him (don't get me wrong now, the phone works both ways and he could have called me). the point is, he crossed my mind. calling him crossed my mind. and, i could have contacted him but i just didn't. and, for no particular reason. i just didn't. now he is like how i would be if the tables were turned. all in a tizzy ... worried about why i didn't and if i really like him, etc. truth be told, i guess it just comes down to the fact that i'm just not that in to him. so, sitting around here figuring that out has led me to the conclusion that terrance is just not that into me. he has an endless number of excuses or reasons he is too busy to be bothered to call me ... or just too busy for me -- period.

so, there you have it. a "i've been sitting too long on the couch realization" from carina.

off the couch and on to bed,
c.

t-shirt & my panties on ...

2007-01-16T16:41:00.000-08:00

i like that song ... but, that is neither here nor there. here i sit on my bed, i should be hitting snooze ... the catch being i never slept. i tried. i just couldn't ... lot on my mind. work sucks. school issues suck. money is crap 'cause there's never enough. men suck. i hate myself. that is generally it. you know, in a nutshell. i think this is fairly similar to my last entry. oh well, i don't have shit else to say right about now. i'm gonna go watch some "l word" ... eat some pizza ... and go to work. bleh. catch you lates ...

half-naked,
c.

2007 ...

2007-01-09T15:48:00.000-08:00

hasn't gotten off to a rip roarin' start that's for sure. but, then, what did i expect? especially after last year's lack luster performance.

all i know for sure at 27 and three quarters is that i really, really, really have got to get it together. really.

pick up the pieces in 2K7,
c.

weak for weeks

2006-12-07T00:57:00.000-08:00

that's how i've been. i am so fragile these days. and, most likely it's not helped by the fact that i've been off my meds for almost a month now. for no good reason. laziness mostly. and, i've haven't felt worse in i don't even know how long. so, tomorrow i will make it to the pharmacy ... to "pick myself up." so, yeah, i am raw so to speak ... in my raw state ... just me and me alone. i'm not sure how to be this way. i cope better not alone that's for sure ... yeah, it's true, i'm not perfect.

neither was my trip to hawai'i ...

i went to hawai'i for two weeks at his request. i got dissed and dismissed mostly. we had moments. and, while i find great value in many moments, i'm not sure these had enough to make up for what lacked. i couldn't have had a worse time, that's how bad it was. thank God for rikki. without her, i am not sure where i would've been or where i'd be now. her motto for my last trip was, "fuck him." and, a lot of times i agreed with her ... still, i would digress ... even now i do so. even now, after all the mistreatment i am here still standing in the same place my heart aching. not able to make the sensible decision. not able to make the decision that screams, "SELF-PRESERVATION!?!" not able to make the decision to move on, to let go ... not able to make the decision to walk away. what does he have to do? it would seem there is just one thing left ... for him to say he doesn't love me. how weak is that? if we say that actions speak louder than words then he's said it a thousand times over, but for some reason i am stuck here needing to hear those words from him. because while his action have said that, they've also contradicted themselves ... being in the moments with him, i can see past the "bad" ... i see good in him and with us.

sometimes i feel like he is manufacturing the "bad" to push me away. sometimes i feel like he is having a hard time dealing. he just came back from iraq. he is very different. lost that light in his eyes. i feel like he tries hard to make people think he's okay. i worry about him. i know that he has to come to terms with everything. i cannot understand what it is he has seen and done in those seven months ... i have a bit more of an inside view than some, but i have never been there. i have seen many people come back, all of them different in their own way based on what their experiences were. his were real. more real than many i gather, and he doesn't seem to be able to make peace with it.

what can i do? i am here, waiting ... hoping to piece together some semblance of the man i used to know ...

looking for a throwback,
c.

anticipation ...

2006-11-15T09:44:00.000-08:00

is often the downfall of things great and small. i am learning that ... i have one more lesson coming in the mail and then i'll explain myself.

right now, there is only one word i can think of ...

hate,
c.

i gotta be

2006-10-03T02:24:00.000-07:00

i love that jagged edge song ... even put a little live clip i rec of it up on youtube.com ... i bring it up because it has me thinking about terrance.

i gotta be the one you love ...

... i gotta be the one to fill your life with sunshine ...

is it real? what i feel ... could it be you and me? until the end the end of time ... never part, take my heart hold it tight ...

why do i wanna be his one? and, does he wanna be mine? i guess only time will tell. but, while time giveth ... time taketh away. you know? that's what it's all about in this life, right? i'm just hoping for some reciprocity with terrance. we'll have to wait and see ...

give and take,
c.

sick

2006-10-01T02:09:00.000-07:00

one way or the other. i was really physically ill not too long ago ... all dehydrated and flu-like. i laid on the couch for three days straight, but then recovered nicely. i think it's my immune system being all built-up from being around all those sickies in the hospital all the time. today i was sick because i was hung-the-hell-over!?! we were out partying like rockstars ... it was a blast though! mangaged to get up and out to a mariner's game (baseball). and, i even held down a hot dog! a brave feat seeing as my tummy was being really testy today. generally over the last few weeks i've been worrying sick about terrance. i have no idea where he is or what he's doing ... i keep thinking no news is good news. but, what if it's not. everything can change in a split second. especially in iraq. but, he's supposed to be on his way home soon ... so, he could just be in the process of doing that. who knows ... but, i'm worrying myself sick over here. but, hey, i'm not in the mood to eat because of it. so, if it turns out that he's fine then i've just been on a worrying sick diet for nothing!?

it's whatever,
c.

it's that time here.

2006-09-21T15:13:00.000-07:00

the time when you realize that fall is in the air. there's that chill. the sun has replaced itself with rain. you have to keep your windows rolled-up in your car and closed in the house at night. you can wear sweaters, jeans, boots ... you could almost get away with a scarf and gloves. you need an extra blanket at night and it's almost time to start turning on the heater. basically, it's time for me to get the hell outta here and on to hawaii dammit!!!

where's all my sun and fun!?
c.

green dot : pink elephant

2006-08-30T02:40:00.000-07:00

who has gmail???

i love, love, love gmail! and, i love, love, love the "talk" feature! the talk thing has let me keep in touch with people all over the globe ... friends and fam in iraq. my homegirl in japan. i love it! more people should have it ... got my mama up on it. got my cuz up on it. got my little brother up on it ... it's fabulous! i'm lovin' it!

there is this one tiny drawback ... that damn green dot. it'll tell me patrick is there. and, for some reason, patrick and i have stopped talking. he just slammed on the brakes so to speak. he slammed hard too ... i still hurt from it. you feel me? hmmm, i wonder what he thinks about my green dot.

hit me for a gmail invite,
c.

i can sleep when i die

2006-08-26T05:22:00.000-07:00

or at least that's this weekend's motto. my little brother is home for his two week r&r from iraq! he is well and is enjoying his well deserved time off. i've worked the last couple of days. i'll be off this morning at 0630. then i have to drive an hour home, bake a cake, do some laundry, shower, nap, head to my auntie's for a family dinner, then out with my brother and my cousins to party, nap, get up most likely hung over to go back to work!?! other than this type of stuff, not too much worth mentioning has been going on with me ...

terrance will be on his way back stateside soon. i miss him. i wonder what things will be like between us ... if there will be an "us." of course at this point in time i hope for that, but i have long since learned not to hold my breath over such things. so, i will TRY to take my time and play it by ear.

DAVE MATTHEWS BAND IS IN TOWN LABOR DAY WEEKEND!!! and, yes, i'm stoked! i look forward to this every year. this year is no different. i'll be off to the gorge (the venue) early friday morning. and, upon arriving i will eat, drink and be very, very, very merry! it should be a blast. and, dix and i picked up tixs to the show they have with the stones in mid-october at the q -- *grinning*!!! but, until then ...

already yawning,
c.

so much and so little ...

2006-08-16T02:15:00.000-07:00

i feel small.

not small like insignificant or something. small in that sort of way when you realize that you are part of a much larger picture. sometimes i feel like deja vu is the way the universe lets you glimpse at what is to unfold. and, in that moment -- the deja vu moment, you're supposed to know that everything is as it should be. like it or not, you are where you are and it's where you're supposed to be.

more and more with each passing moment, i come to believe everything happens for a reason. like when i my car was totaled in march. i had to get a new ride. so i have this car. and, i flip this car over in the scariest accident i've ever been in (mind you, all the wildlife in the state of washington remain in one piece ... i only nearly killed myself!?) but, all of this has served the higher purpose of slowing me down. and, i don't mean driving. i mean in life. i've had to slow my roll ... stop and smell the roses, you know what i mean. so, now here i sit ... still in the greater seattle area. i'd like to be in hawai'i, but as life would have it i am not. still, i believe that i am not where i'd like to be yet exactly where i am supposed to be. it's all in the details ... it's more than the cars and the accidents. there are more moments, more things that add up to make a bigger picture. and then my bigger picture seems to me to fit into other pictures like a piece in a puzzle, just right. which has me here typing and explaining why ...

i feel small.

re-speck-fully,
carina

who do YOU know ...

2006-07-06T08:21:00.000-07:00

in the NEW YORK STATE OFFICE OF MENTAL HEALTH? you, yeah you ... reading this ... you know, the office in the BRONX? you know who you are ... who it is i'm talkin' to ...

and, the rest of you ... just let it roll ...

like water off a duck's back,
c.

party of three ...

2006-06-21T07:27:00.000-07:00

me, myself and i. apparently, anyone else may be too much. i like three. it's a good number. a prime number. i guess i've just been feeling like i need someone. a friend. a good friend. but, when i look around, the only one still standing with me is ... me. me, myself and i. we've become good friends over the years. i've learned a lot more about me ... about myself over the last few years. and, sometimes i feel like i'm losing my mind because i feel crazy alone. but, i am learning to count on myself. to pull myself out of the funk and back into the rhythm ... of all the things i should be doing. i don't often do things right the first time, but if we pay attention we'd know that somehow we often get a second chance at things. same opportunities, different situations. i did it wrong again. counted on all the wrong people. counted on everyone but myself to be there for me. but, i am the one who's been wiping my tears. i'm the one who's been telling me everyday that i'll be okay. i'm the one who tells me i am loved. i know that i'll always be here for myself. everyday. without fail ... i'll be here ... for me. everyday i learn a little more what it means to depend on me. to take care of me. to love myself. and, it's hard. it's harder to love yourself than it is to love someone else. it's hard to learn that i am the one most deserving of my love. but, i'm learning ...

everyday, i'm learning ...
c.

yea me!!!

2006-06-07T08:24:00.001-07:00

i graduate today!!! i'm walkin' in the departmental ceremony for my very first bachelor's degree. it's about time ... i took the extra long way to get here, but it got done! one down, two to go ...

:-) i gradumacate ... oh yeah, i gradumatcate!?!

c.

be careful what you wish for!

2006-05-26T18:10:00.000-07:00

that is what i'm learning right now ... and, it's going alright i guess. i wished for more excitement ... i'm going to court. i wished about matters of the heart ... now i've got two love interests. i wished for more money ... now i'm working insane hours (but, for good pay!). but, i guess things are alright for now.

i would say more ... but, i just don't feel like it. so, have a fun and safe memorial day!

off to coldstone!
c.

ps all the best to c.w. wherever you left us to ...

what's the possibility?

2006-05-17T10:41:00.000-07:00

what is the possibility that i could fall for two completely different people at the same time for so many very different reasons. 'cause i might be. i might have already. and, it all feels so crazy.

dance like no one's watching,
c.

this is bad.

2006-05-08T01:23:00.000-07:00

all of it is bad.

where do i start?

well, since our last topic was the scuffle and going to court i guess i'll start there. so, i go to court. this shit is bad. i mean, i knew it was gonna be twisted ... but, this is some straight out the movies shit ... some made for tv shit. and, hey, i should know 'cause i am more than well-versed when it comes to movies and tv. there isn't anything in the video store worth renting that i haven't seen, and i tivo everything on tv worth watching. so, yeah, i should know. i at least had a small glimmer of hope that this would be okay. because i am not crazy and that broad attacked ME ... but, based on her side of the story and what the prosecuting attorney is going on, i am the crazy black bitch who -- without reason -- pulled the lady out of her car, beat her with a flashlight then decided to bite her for the hell of it. afterwards, i jumped in my car, fled the scene and later called the police. yeah, uh-huh, someone please tell me when the hell that shit started sounding like me! wtf is wrong with people? dammit, i wouldn't have picked up the flashlight if she wasn't gonna be dirty and come up on me from behind ... she got out of here stupid dodge caravan and came all the way around my car to hit me!?! i was trying to get in my car and go before the situation got out of hand. i picked up the flashlight when i heard heavy footsteps and saw her coming up behind me based on our reflection in the glass. really, i was hoping the flashlight would scare her off because i was not lookin' to fight this lady. but, it didn't ... next thing i know her and the two middle-school aged boys she had with her were all over me. i can't get a hit in, but i am most-def. getting hit ... over and over and over again. so, dammit, that's where i have to draw the line because like i said before don't nobody put there hands on me like that. she put her hand over my mouth ... i bit her. yup, nasty as it is, i felt backed into the corner and without options. hmmm, get beat or bite her .... get beat or bite her ... you tell me!?! she quit for a half second after i bit her ... and, then SHE RUSHED ME LIKE A FOOTBALL PLAYER AGAIN!?! this time she didn't have so much of the upper hand, but she still got some hits in. i hit her a few times with the flashlight. now, i'm not gonna get into all the details. but, what i will say is that i have no idea what she looked like when it was over. my adrenaline was pumping ... fight or flight was running it's course. we fought ... and, afterwards, and especially when a small crowd of white people hollerin' things like "don't let the black girl leave ..." begins to gather, the flight response kicks into gear. the flight response is telling me this is one of those ways that black people ended up getting lynching not so long ago in the south. so, i drove behind the building and waited for the cops to come. mind you, i called 9-1-1 while i was still parked ... before pulling around back. but, i felt it necessary to remove myself from the scene because i felt unsafe. which i thought would be well within my rights, but apparently i may be wrong. so, what makes this all worse ... i have no one but ME. she has herself, the two boys, the good 'ol friends who came out of the salon ... are you getting the picture. whatever THEY ALL say against JUST ME. and, since i am better at defending myself than she is at attacking me she was the only one who had clear, identifiable signs of an altercation. none of this is good for me. i was the only dark person in the court room on friday who didn't have to make bail. and, therefore, i was the only one who left without cuffs on. but, what worries me is that they could put me in cuffs and take me away for up to a year!?! and, they could fine me up to $5000 dollars. so, yeah, i don't know what'll happen ... just thank God that you aren't me right now.

i don't even want to write about anything else ... this is more than enough to think about for now ...

c. ... the soon to be ex-con.

i wasn't really clear ...

2006-05-02T13:54:00.000-07:00

that the whole scuffle really wasn't my fault ... but, i got put in the cuffs because apparently i know a thing or two more about defending myself than the lady knew about attacking someone (me). so, i whipped on that ass because don't nobody (yes, i said "don't nobody" -- you know for dramatic affect!?) put their hands on me like that. not even my mama puts her hands on me like that dammit. but, yeah, so she was all messed up and i wasn't at all. and, i suppose it's a bit natural for the black girl instead of the white lady gets the cuffs in a white neighborhood, huh? especially when all the white people were so quick to call me black girl, black bitch, black cunt when i didn't refer to them as white anything until after they started that shit. yes, i know ... i took myself down to their level. but, it's so fucking frustrating to deal with that b.s. ... so, yeah, anyways court on friday -- and, again, i'll keep you posted!

later,
c.

moi, almost arrested!?

2006-04-24T04:39:00.001-07:00

believe that!? i was nearly arrested last week. maybe i'll sit down and tell you the whole story later. but, the long story short is there was a scuffle started by someone else. i defended myself. two kids and an lady old enough to be my mama against me. i won the battle, but the war wages on. i called the cops. cops come. cops assess. cops conference. cops decide it is i who must be put in handcuffs since i don't look like i've been in a scuffle and the lady clearly does. so ... clink, clink. flashing lights. back of a squad car. lol, my mama showed up and was surprisingly calm ... as well as not mad at me!? the cops conference once more. for some reason i am released from the cuffs and let go ... i think there may have not really been any witnesses. so, instead of being fingerprinted, photographed and officially booked ... i got the second prize: a ticket for assault in the fourth degree and a court date on the fifth. i'll keep you posted.

unless you're in the bedroom ... handcuffs suck,
c.

html

2006-04-14T02:18:00.000-07:00

i just suck at writing code that works well. either way -- BLEH. i was working on this project i've been meaning to update. i told my homegirl it'll probably take me all month. hahahahahaha ... it'll probably take me two. i never learned anything from a book/class or a person directly ... everything i ever figure out is from googling about it. it takes forever to learn that way. but, it's free. and, it kills time ... actually, it kills more time that intended!?! i'm just frustrated with it ... getting bored. so, i'm gonna quit and go get some "sex and the city" on demand dammit! i love on demand ... between that and DVRs life is good!

something's always on,
c.

i've been found out!?!

2006-04-12T01:23:00.000-07:00

by my ex no less!?!

he is the first to find my blog ... read it ... and, then actually admit to doing so!? lol, you woulda paid money to see my reaction. all you secret bloggers out there! i'm a semi-secret blogger. people know i blog. i know people know. people know i know they know. still, i neither encourage or discourage their reading it. i just let it be.

he googled himself. that's how he found out!? damn my big idea to stop using abbreviations and such. he googled himself and up popped my blog. that's the thing about the truth. what's funny is that i speak truth with artistic expression type liberties ... so, i was wondering what exactly i had said. but, hey, i put it out there and there it remains. i'm not changing a damn thing. i made the decision many moons ago to stop trying to use abbreviations, etc. for people and places. i just told it like how i saw it ... how it happened to me or whatever. i will admit that it was a bit shocking ... being caught red-handed so to speak ... it gave me pause ... made me reconsider blogging. so i had to evaluate why i started blogging. why i kept at it. and, why i sit here today -- still blogging. it's for me. not you. certainly not for him. for me! so, screw 'em (" 'em" being the people i "fret" about finding my blog). at least that's my initial reaction ...

que sera, sera!
c.

[after consulting a log of who see's what, i have repositioned myself on this point ... i have edited past posts based on keyword searches that lead people here (and, no, i won't tell you my kung fu like moves to do this 'cause if you don't know then you don't know -- too bad! ;-) so, yeah, repositioned hoping to still keep most of my blogging integrity intact yet still managing to lose the deadweight so to speak. really, it comes down to blogging for myself ... and, I'M NOT WRITING ABOUT YOU ANYMORE! **if this applies (and, there are a couple of you -- if you are wondering if this is you then it is!) ... then scram -- do something more productive than googling yourself jeez.]

40 days and 40 nights

2006-04-06T23:39:00.000-07:00

i feel like i'm getting ready for something, but not by my own doing. just how things are going in my life. it feels like the way things happen are happening for a reason. like when noah built the arc and was getting the animals on two by two. i don't feel like it's a "storm" though. i mean, it could be ... but, i don't feel like it is.

i got into a fender bender. my car was totaled out. so, the downside is now i won't be rollin' in style. i will however still be rollin'. the upside is that i no longer have a carnote!!! that is wonderful. whatelse ... oh, UH. i was waiting to hear back from UH about whether or not i got into this accelerated nursing program. i just found out i didn't. i am a bit disappointed, but i feel like this is another mixed blessing or just a blessing in disguise. money would have been an issue if i had gotten into the program. this way i have more time to get myself together. and, while i didn't get into the accelerated program i'll still be considered for the regular program at UH ... all the while i've already been accepted to the program at HPU. so, everything is everything.

it's just all these little things that keep happening that make me feel like i'm getting ready for my own version of "40 days and 40 nights" ... you know?

i'm out ...

like a light,
c.

happy birthday to me!

2006-03-27T20:32:00.000-08:00

so, yeah, it's my birthday ... i'm 27, and it's the 27th!? quirky, huh? i thought so anyways. i shoulda known today was gonna be an odd day. to say the least. i just woke up annoyed. i couldn't shake the feeling all day. then on top of that, i didn't eat until 430pm ... i went all day without eat!? so, i was a raging lunatic of a bitch ... i'm telling you, i was nobody's friend and nobody wanted to be mine. after some food, i was a bit better but still slightly annoyed. it really, really wasn't the best day. i'm not even gonna get into why. none of it makes any sense ... well, it makes sense. it's just a bunch of little things that grated on my nerves. i almost cried today. but, all's well that ends well. good dinner, good cake, great gifts! so, yeah, i'm okay. and, i'm a year older ...

where does all the time go?
c.

kismet

2006-03-20T00:44:00.000-08:00

i always wonder why it is that i know people. how is it that i've come to know one particular person. how it is that we will impact each other's life. i've learned that with patrick it is about growing pains. he says that i've helped him grow. grow into a better person. a better man. i haven't told him, but knowing him has kept me a little saner. a little more grounded. i've had my own spe-shul set of issues lately. patrick and i only started talking a few months ago ... maybe three. and, it seems that he stepped back into my life when i most needed a friend. don't ask me how we are friends. we just are. it is most unlikely. still, here we are. and, i appreciate it. immensely. more than i think he knows. it's crazy to hear someone speak of me how i wish i saw myself. he's like this mirror for me ... of who it is that i might be only i don't always think i am. i am me. everyday, i can only be me. and, sometimes i feel like i don't know who that is. i know that we as people are always changing. everyday we change. i am not who i was yesterday and will not be who i am today when i wake up tomorrow. sometimes i lose my sense of self, and just when i'm getting it back i still need a little something extra to help me go the distance. something or someone to tell me i'm okay. to tell me that i'll keep being okay. that little push or slight nugde that keeps me going in the best direction. anyways, patrick has been that for me a few times in the last few months. he asks me the hard questions. the questions you don't even want to ask yourself. he makes you cough up the hard answer. the answer you hem and haw over ... and, finally, admit in the tiniest voice( like that makes it easier to hear). and, for all of that and more i am glad that we still manage to be friends. i hope we'll continue to come and go out of each other's life in the best ways possible for however long our kismet has it just so ...

how do i know you? and, why ...
c.

i miss terrance.

2006-03-16T03:27:00.000-08:00

that's it. i just miss him. before we at least had the phone. now we don't even have that. i was just getting used to having him around. i let myself fall into it like you fall into bed at the end of a long, long day. i can feel his arms around me. smell him fresh from a shower. i feel myself falling into him ... then i realize that he's really gone. and, this time is worse than the last because this time real attachment was created. not that quasi-attachment thing we had going on before. and, i wonder how it is for him. i hope he's okay. i know he's okay. and, i hope he misses me too ...

sleeping alone,
c.

three weeks

2006-03-15T05:04:00.000-08:00

it's been roughly three weeks since i've been home. i got in yesterday. when i finally got back to the house, it seemed different. i had almost forgotten what it looked like!? how's that? i didn't miss it all that much while i was gone. i missed it the most when i finally set foot in it again. it saddened me to know that i will "soon" be leaving. i will be starting a new home in a new place. it's a little scary. maybe that's why all the baby steps to leaving. all the indecisiveness.

changing the subject. hawai'i, though rainy, was really quite wonderful. i boarded the plane feeling like i was leaving home. it was a little sad ... bittersweet. i spent three weeks more getting to know terrance. shit did we ever have our differences. there was this whole thing about him maybe or maybe not being married with kids. lucky for me it was a NOT!? i nearly had a heart attack thinking about it all though ... and, i plotted the ways in which i would hurt him if he was indeed married with kids. but, in the end i thought WWJD? and, i heard the serenity prayer in my head:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference."

it was with that spirit that i approached terrance about the whole situation. he was very sincere with his answer. backed it up. i, against the better judgements of my closest friends and family, believe him and am gonna continue to pursue this relationship. he and i are talking more. even after this whole year has passed it is all still fresh and new. i really, really like this one. he may even be the one. i helped him get his things together. watched him pack and put on his uniform. then he dropped me off. we said our goodbyes. he left. back to k-bay ... to get his shit and go to iraq. he called me one more time. i had waited up especially for it. now he's gone. i really, really miss him. iwas just getting used to having him around. now he's gone. he only left this past saturday ... i'vealready written him and mailed it. i've written him a thousand unwritten letters in my head. but, i'll wait ... i'll let it marinate and let it breath. we are good together. and, i am hopeful it will go well.

oh, yeah, so ... i've barely been home a whole day and i wrecked my honda!? wtf? yeah, it looked pretty bad. but, i won't find out until later today. i'm super-sore ... can we say whiplash. and, i'm super-pissed. but, it's only car. no one was hurt and i have insurance. life will go one, but shit man can a chick have a freakin' break!?

welcome home me,
c.

"joyyyy and painnnn..."

2006-03-01T19:37:00.000-08:00

"is like sunshine and rain..."

yeah, i think that song is called "joy & pain," but what do i know. so, i'm here in beautiful hawai'i on a quite ugly day. it's been ugly since i got here!?! wtf, right!? it's supposed to clear up by tomorrow or friday. i can only hope. i'd like to see a little sun before i go home. i'm thinking about staying an extra week. i'll have to consult the bank account for that one though. so, we'll see. i've been enjoying the company of r. and terrance. we've had a lot of fun.

i'm still a bit undecisive as to whether or not terrrance and i are the real deal or if we are just feelin' the idea of each other. i really like him. but, i have mixed feelings about whether or not he really likes me. this is all quite funny though ... he's been nice while i've been here. i could ask for more. but, hey, he's got a lot on his plate right now. and, i'm still ... not yet ... his girlfriend. when does that happen??? how does that happen??? you know when we were kids it was just as simple as asking. but, it doesn't seem as simple now ... or is it just me? so, anyways, i know that with --i was wondering what direction we were going in ... we got into it over it and then we got over it and he started introducing me as his girlfriend. i rolled with the punches. i'd venture to say that terrance has put himself out there a bit ... taking me out, pda's, spending the night, lending me his car ... and the roses were a extra-super-nice touch. still, i don't get "the feeling" from him ... the feeling of reciprocity as far as me liking him and him liking me back. all of that only carries him so far. then it's all him ... all stuff and deeds aside. so, i am still left wondering and he ships out in a few days. needless to say he'll only be thinking about me on a super-minimal level if there bullets flying past his ass. (nice ass too! ;-) ) i have this nagging gut feeling that he has a girlfriend who is not me. which is completely possible since he's here and i'm usually not. he said he didn't when i asked him point blank. i can't define the line that separates his b.s. from mine. meaning, i don't know if this nagging gut feeling is more about him or more about my recent life experiences with men. especially those close to me. my father cheated on my mother ... 25 years into the marriage!? wtf? and, i'm inclined to believe this isn't the first time ... it's just the first time he got caught. and then there's my brother with his two full-time girlfriends he so masterfully deceives. don't ask me how the bastard gets caught-up and still manages to smooth things over!? and, i still think - left me for someone else ... so, maybe my issues are just that ... MY issues, not his. maybe he's being real with me and i can't pick up on that. shit, what's wrong with me??

rain or shine,
c.

p.s.

**---called me drunk from vegas saying, "tell me you luvvv me!?" and, he was serious ... also quite pissed to know i'm here in hawaii -- with terrance.

**--was in seattle and wanted to have lunch ... but, haha, i was here in hawaii with terrance!?

**-called me ... he's had some personal loss recently. and, it was his birthday (i managed to resist the urge to call him! yea me!) ... then after valentine's day (bad news day for him) and his birthday, his girlfriend broke up with him!? he's telling me this and i'm saying ... "you'll be alright. sorry to hear about your bad news. and, the break-up, yeah well, people have a way of getting over that stuff." the conversation ended like the first two ... i'm in hawaii ... and i'm going out ... yup, you guessed it, with terrance!?

all i can do is LOL ... life must be a comedy!?

asta la vista,
c.

things to do, places to go, people to see

2006-02-20T05:24:00.000-08:00

i'm off to hawaii in a few days ... not moving though. not yet. i don't know yet where the winds of change will blow me, but we shall see. in any case. i am off, like i said, in a few day. and, i'm a mess. i'm full of hope ... i might even have a few random expectations. i have plenty of reservations. and, otherwise, i'm a mess. marked by the cold sore which popped up undoubtedly due to stress. bleh. this isn't supposed to be stressful. in any case, not too many folks happen by here so i'm sure i won't really be missed. i'll be there until the 5th of march. maybe i'll get back here before then ... maybe not. either way, i'll be talkin' to ya ...

fun and sun,
c.

"867-5309"

2006-02-14T04:40:00.004-08:00

old loves. aren't they almost always tempting in some way. it's that part of you that remembers for a minute was it used to be like. these men come in and out of my life. i've mentioned them to you ... -, --, ---. well, my thoughts and attention of late have been entertained by each of them recently if only for a brief moment or two.

---, honestly, has been around too long. he's reached his expiration date with me. but, like that thing in your pantry you really want (a relationship) that you thing should probably be okay if y0u eat it, but if you should happen to not feel well later you'll know why. so, what do you do? you go for it ... sorta ... you taste it, and it's okay. so, you eat a little more. then you decide, well, maybe not. that's him. so, what did i do ... DELETED! yup, i deleted him from my phonebook. i don't need the reminder or the temptation. i know the number by heart, but if i have to dial seven digits before making the call i'm far less likely to follow through.

then there is --. he has come back and it's been fun talking to him. but, haha, i read his blog. i say, "haha," because he does not know this. (i often wonder if someone i know reads mine, but based on my vistor counter not many people do.) he got all full of himself and didn't tell the whole truth about us talking again. basically played it like i'm one of his lovesick puppy dogs who would kill to get next to him ... ummm, what? yeah, no buddy!?! my honest reaction (parental advisory for what's to come next --->),"that motherfucker ... he can kiss my black, indian and filipino ass that little bitch!" i started to call him out on it right then and there, but then i'd lose my insight ... the lurker benefit. so, i said nothing. i called once or twice after the days to follow without answer or response from him. okay, wtf-ever, i don't need that shit nor do i want to do whatever it was giving him that funky impression ... DELETED! again, i didn't want the reminder or the temptation. all i could think of was that saying that when something seems to good to be true then it usually is.

-. what can i say ... i waited more than a year to be on speaking terms with him. i don't know what i wanted to happen when it happened. but, whatever it was most certainly did not happen. in an attempt NOT to scare him off, i avoided all that "break-up" stuff. strictly left out of the conversation. i didn't want to be truthful with him ... tell him that even though i'm mostly fine ... my heart is still not fully mended. but, talking to him did not send me in a tailspin like before. we talked. i can't even really say it was good. mostly it was me carrying on a conversation and waiting ... waiting to hear whatever it was i was looking for. but, i realize that he isn't the one who is gonna give me anything ... at all ... ever ... except maybe a little more heartache ... DELETED! no reminder or temptation.

they all still have my number. and, honestly, i still have their's all tucked away somewhere. they have called. i let it go to voicemail. if it's really, really super-extra-life-or-death important i'd probably call them back. if it's not then i won't have wasted more than a minute on them. their texts go unanswered. they are quickly deleted before i am wanting to reply. what i know about this time with each of them is that i "ended" it on my own terms and without a word to any of them. it kinda feels good, and it made me think this year happy and valentine's day may just compliment each other ... especially since terrance is still in my phonebook!

i got your number,
c.

"last letters home"

2006-02-11T04:06:00.000-08:00

i watched this hbo documentary called "last letters home" ... and, i cried. it says all too much. they have families read the last letters they got from their loved ones who died in iraq. what's really hard to hear is that they got the letter after the person had died ... sometimes after they buried them. there's one letter that was written because the guy had been having a really bad feeling, and he wrote to tell his family just how much he loved them and to ask them to forgive him for not coming home because if they were reading the letter then that meant he'd passed. and, the wife got the letter not only after he died, but also after having recently delivered their second child. :-(

in that documentary i saw what i most feared for myself just a few years ago. it has been years now that we have been over there. now, i have those fears for my little brother. it's hard. we hear from him often enough ... still, i can't help but worry that might be the last time i talk to him. i try to keep it light. it's hard to know what to say. and, there's that wierdo delay in the time you say something and when they actually hear it. i try to make sure he doesn't worry about us. and, most of all i make sure to tell him i love him. but, it's hard. and, it's funny that we are not super-close because we are "different." but, we are family and we are always down for each other. i worry that if something happens to him he won't have tasted life the way the rest of us will be able to. i worry about my mama worrying. that documentary was so simple and struck such a cord with me. i am always home. if anything happens to him, it is almost guaranteed that i'd be the one to answer the door. i pray to God that he''ll come home safe ... maybe you can too ... for me. for him -- darryl.

my little bro, darryl, & me after his unit's farewell ceremony late 2005

both of my little brothers & me on our last day of the 04-05 season at crystal mtn. (from L to R g., me, & darryl)

still wiping tears,
c.

to my hitman: it hit me!

2006-02-01T02:44:00.000-08:00

so, i'm laying naked ... well, maybe not nek-kid ... i'm rockin' this sheet-blanket combo ... anyways, like i was saying, i'm laying naked on this table and it hits me: this would be a good time for someone to take me out!? yup, that's what's running thorough my head as the nice lady works out the knots of stress i somehow managed to accumulate. nevermind that i'm naked. nevermind that when they go to do the murder investigation i'll be naked. nope, i don't care. i'm all relaxed, i'm suddenly open my eyes and look at the floor with this startling revelation ... wtf? yeah, i don't know ...

maybe it's the new drugs? nah, aren't we all so quick to blame the medication. lol ... maybe i'm just a bit off in a good, colorful sorta way. i'll hope so anyways. i go to ashmead from time to time. a bit of a regular lately. i've been "seeing" this cute tatted-up puerto rican guy. the massages are good ... he has portions he needs to work on the be better. but, truth be told, i know plenty girls that would go for his rugged good looks. it doesn't help that his hands are soft and he has a sense of humor. if i had balls i'd hit on my massage therapist ... umm, student. he's only a student. i'd like to think if he had balls (and, wasn't obligated as a student of the college not to) he'd hit on me. but, alas, it hasn't gone that direction at all. and, seeing as i traded appointments with my pops ... which may very well have been my last chance ... i'll never know. *sigh* somethings are left better unsaid anyways. besides, i've just got this new chick ... she doesn't look like she could knead dough ... but, she rocks! she's actually better than he is ... so, maybe i win after all ... and, she knows how to hand out the compliments (apparently, my baby lotion moisturization "program" kicks ass and i've got super-soft skin ... yea me!). yeah, what puerto rican guy?

smooth as a baby's bottom,
c.

resumes, cds and a stripper

2006-01-27T06:31:00.000-08:00

so, i'm here in the computer room working on my second resume in a week. this is like the beginning of a boring business i don't want to be in! the first resume was for my father. and, while it was a lot of work, i don't mind ... he's my dad!?! i would love for him to get this position! the resume is good -- damn good! it wasn't a traditional resume as it was for the DOD and they use this resumix system ... it printed out as EIGHT pages!?! but, hey, whatever works.

now ... now i'm working on my aunt's resume. aunt on my dad's side. i can't say there are more than two or three people on my dad's side that i'm really cool with ... and, he has 18 brothers & sisters. they've got kids ... the kids have kids! still there are only a handful. so, it's safe for you to have guessed, i can't say i like this aunt too much! i don't really. she is just .... ugggggh. but, she asked for help. i have no idea what mood she caught me in, but i said it was cool. man, her resume -- NON-EXISTENT!!! and, let's not even go into the cover letter!

on another note, i've been jammin' to these mixed cds ... got them from mr. weston. i have no idea what's going on with him ... i mean between us. i think there is something. but, i think ... no, i know that neither one of us really feels like we are at liberty to explore the idea. it's the distance. he's only thousands of miles away. i'm starting a personal trend!!! first terrance, now patrick. but, i've still haven't given up on terrance. i have this quasi-thing with him. patrick's aware. i barely get to speak to terrance these days. but, i'm not holding my breath for either of them. whatever happens, happens.

so, there really is no stripper. that part is all about that new t-pain song "i'm n luv with a stripper" ... i know, i know ghetto-fab. what can i say? that beat is so fuckin' hot. such a shame the lyrics aren't better. i suppose they are at least amusing!

"i'm in luuuvv wit a strippeeeeerrrrr, i'm in luuuvv wit a strippeeeeeeerrrr ..."

climbin' the pole with my kindacrazyultrasexysupercooluberfabulous self,
c.

where are you?

2006-01-19T22:57:00.000-08:00

DOM!?! if you drop by here ... email me or something ... worried about you!?

what's good?
c.

stupid, simple, irritating

2006-01-19T22:52:00.000-08:00

ask someone to brown some ground beef ... i don't know how y'all cook, but where i'm from you season it!? and, since this ass is my little brother i know he learned the same way i did. it's stupid. it's simple. and, it's irritating. so, when everyone is discussing that there's something missing of course the ass has nothing to say about it. wtf? whatever.

taking a deep breath,
c.

a taste of "...new york"

2006-01-12T08:37:00.000-08:00

so, when i'm bored i go here ... i like "post secret" too, but frank only updates on sundays!? sometimes "overheard ..." isn't that funny ... sometimes i ROTFL. so, yeah, check the site out ... link below or look it up in my blogroll.

taking a bite outta the big apple,
c.

From "Overheard in New York"

Attack of the iPod People (NYC Short Stories)

Guy #1: My iPod called me a homo this morning.
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: I had it on shuffle and it played a nonstop string of Rent, Oklahoma, Barbara Streisand, Donna Summer and, best of all, Annie: The Musical.
Guy #2: Wow, you said, "Best of all, Annie." That's amazingly gay.

--34th between 7th & 8th

Overheard by: cityhick

**--**--**--**--**--**--**--**--**--**--**--**--**--**--**--**

The Non-suicide Bombers

Chick: What's that smell?
Guy: Either someone farted or it's terrorism.

--42nd & Broadway

**--**--**--**--**--**--**--**--**--**--**--**--**--**--**--**

Wednesday One-liners by Eve Ensler

Teen boy: You aren't pussy-whipped. She's your mother.

--77th between 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Carl G

you might call it a streak!

2006-01-11T05:31:00.000-08:00

i know, i know ... i'm posting again. i better be careful or this might be called a streak! so, i think i nailed that personal essay. it took me a while. and, no, i haven't been working on it all this time. i just got through with "dinner." you know, it's like my dinner time because of my wierdo sleep schedule. so, anyways, you know what i'm missing most right now? companionship.

yup, you heard me.

it's almost like i have no one right now. and, it's not that i have no one. it's just that everyone is sorta busy. also could be i'm not busy enough. i could be plenty busy, but i just hate everything i have to or could be doing right now!? how lame is that? all my close friends live thousands of miles away. all my good friends live just as far. then there are my pretty good friends who live here, but i'm not really close to any of them. try to be with gong ju, but for as close as we are ... we aren't. rikki is supposed to be all moved back here in a few weeks. i can only hope. right now though, she has her own stuff going on namely moving and jp. courtni is pregnant and in japan. i have no clue how she is because she's m.i.a. on the communication front ... no email, calls are kinda too expensive for us both. danyell is working and just started the last year of her nursing program. terrance's cell phone is off again, not that things are peachy even if it was on. i want more from him, but how can i say that? i don't feel entitled to want more or to tell him i want more ... and, then the question is want more what??? really, how well do we know each other. there are a whole host of other people i just don't connect with these days. you could say it's because i'm always online, but that is only because there's nothing else to do. well, except maybe to sleep ...

off to bed with me,
c.

still up and at 'em

2006-01-11T01:17:00.000-08:00

as per my usual. listening to some foo fighters. trying to figure out this personal essay ... not all too happy with my rough draft at the moment. i'm thinking of chucking it!? so, i decided to stop assaulting my brain and do something easier. this counts as easier. my future most likely will not lie in waste based on this entry, unlike this personal essay ... shit, hold on

*chucked essay*

now, i'll have to start over. i just couldn't actually go with that crap essay. it just wasn't me. i don't think i translate that well on paper. but, maybe i'm wrong. what do i know?

to change the subject, i really want to pick up the guitar. maybe get some lessons to get the basics. i just really dig it. too bad i can't actually sing. lol, i really drive around and shower thinking i can! hmm, i should start a "101 things" list. maybe tomorrow, maybe not. would anyone actually read it??? maybe i'm boring and it would put someone to sleep!? alright, enough of my randomness ...

personal essay time,
c.

this is my first time gettin' my "voice" on! yea me!

2006-01-10T05:00:00.000-08:00

what is it about ...

2006-01-10T01:33:00.000-08:00

rainfall? i can hear it now outside my window. i relax here with 'puter in lap ... and, then it started to pour. the kind of rainfall that will soak you in less than 30 secs. i can feel myself relax even more when i close my eyes and lay my head back. it feels good to be able to let go ...

that's why i love to sleep. i love to fall asleep ... that feeling of letting go of everything in this world. surrendering. it's the kind of safe place i feel like i can do that without standing to lose too much. i spend the rest of my time so damn guarded. i also love to sleep because i dream in technicolor and dolby digital surround sound dammit! which is what i'm off to do in just a few ... just wanted to put in a quick post before bed.

so, all is well. the year is off to a slow start, but shows more promise than last year already. i don't know that i'm all about resolutions this year. they're just big disappointments ... but, i have gotten up on my 43things. you should check 'em out. as far as, resolutions -- they're out. to do list "life" list -- it's in. 2005 wasn't a spectacular year for me, but it wasn't all bad either. i feel like i broke even. got a feeling good things are on horizon in '06 ... i'm gonna let that feeling ride. got no questions about it ... not predictions for it ... just got a feeling i'm gonna go with. i can hear that song in my head ... "just breathe, just believe ..."

just breathe,
c.

2006-01-03T10:19:00.000-08:00

TESTING!?! it's my first time blogging via cell!? this may get me to blog more often ... if i keep this mobile net subscription. bye

much calmer now, thank you!

2005-12-31T04:07:00.000-08:00

so, when we left off i was "quite pissed" ... i stayed that way for a minute. i didn't hear from terrance until after i called him and then he called me back. whatever. i vented my pissed-offedness ... and i got off the phone still in a bit of a huff ...

days. went. by.

no more calls from terrance. okay, so in my world there is also a fair amount of pms going on. and, i'm one of those chicks that is clearly affected by the hormones in my body. which is to say that if you spend a month or two with me and you weren't oblivious you'd be able to gauge +/- 1 or 2 days my cycle based on my attitude and eating habits. and, then it's the holidays ... i've been particularly blue this holiday season ... a bit on the lonely side. so, add this all up and you've got super-extra-emotional girl wonder on your hands. to top that all off, i called terrance about 3am his time. it was a decent conversation. he was reassuring ... in that i'm not just some moron crushin' on him and he thinks i'm crazy. he's crushin' on me back ... and, lol, he does think i'm crazy! but, i think he's crazy too. i could breakdown the conversation more, but i'd have to hurt my brain to remember every last detail. forgive me. the rest of the converstaion we just popped a few sorrows about our circumstances ... when we met, how we don't get to see each other, blah, blah, blah ... and, we realize that we really may not see each other for many, many months to come ... maybe almost a year if we don't manage to see each other before march. so, we'll see. anyway, i'm done for tonite ... i'll write more when i stay in tomorrow night ... or is that tonight ... since it's almost 5am ...

hopefully, i'll have sweet dreams. i've been having strange, scary kinda dreams.

k, night night ...
c.

disappointment ...

2005-12-26T03:16:00.000-08:00

i set myself up for it at every turn i think ... but, then you cannot go through life afraid of being disappointed, right?

i was hoping to hear from terrance today. i texted and called ... i let it be all day and tried to call again this evening. in my head i have it that he is really off having a fabulous time with some girlfriend i don't know about. i do realize that this is most likely my imagination run wild ... it does that quite often enough. but, what if it isn't? regardless, this is less about who he's with and more about why he couldn't find the time to at least text me back. so, what am i to think now? he didn't spend the day with is family because he doesn't have family in hawaii ... okay, i don't know ... whatever. i was just irritated bordering on mad ... now it's safe to say that i'm just mad. maybe that makes me an asshole. or, it will make me an asshole when he tells me he was off doing something important or he wasn't feeling well or something. no matter what he says i bet i'll still be thinking somewhere in the back of my mind that he's probably lying. this from years of learned distrust thanks to other men and to me setting myself up for disappointment from the very same asses. did i mention that they were asses ... well, most of them anyway ... most of them were asses. *sigh* maybe one day i'll meet someone really nice and we'll be able to get on just fine ... and, then one day i'll look up and wonder how i've been married for 9 years ... when did i have a kid? when did i buy a house? etc., etc., etc. ...

quite pissed,
carina

"this is ...

2005-12-24T07:24:00.000-08:00

gilbert godfrey and you're watching UP all night!" remember that? the programming was always crap, and he was annoying. this shit you watch on late night. i'm watching some weird movie now. "the beat" a movie about some random dude, an mc ... blah, blah, blah. there was this cool part where he laid tracks over a concerto. that was pretty cool. so, anyways, this weird movie is mildly entertaining.

i am otherwise at this very moment very, very bored. it is about ten minutes to eight. i thought about heading out to the coffee shop. i like to people watch. it's interesting to see people before their morning coffee and then to see them so relieved or excited or whatever to get it. people coming and people going ... and, then there are the random encounters with locals. lol, someone probably thinks about me that way ... a random encounter with a local.

okay, the movie is kinda annoying.

i was thinking today that life is passing me by. that i'm not taking the kind of active role i should be ... that i'm not taking care of myself like i should be. i'm maybe not as happy as i could be. i'm not as thankful as i should be for what i do have and where i am at ...

guess that leaves me thinking about new year's resolutions ... don't think i kept many of them. hopefully, i'll do better next year!

the movie is over ...

and, so is this post,
carina

i never sleep ...

2005-12-19T04:37:00.000-08:00

at least not well ... the last time i slept really well i was in hawaii ... before that, i was laying next to --. it's crazy that all that with me and him was a little more than a year ago. still miss him from time to time. it's definitely got better though. it's odd how the smallest and most random thing will trigger a memory. was shopping with my homegirl on saturday. we're in one dressing room using the chair and waiting for her sis to show off a few dresses to us ... she whips out a tube of aveeno lotion ... the lavender kind i think. i smelled it and instantly thought of --. it came rushing back. it didn't help that we discussed her ex a bit off and on ... a recent break-up for her. it's hard. hard for her ... makes it rough for me now and again. what's worse is how i know that just being there makes it a bit better for her, but that nothing i say willl really, really help.

anyways, it's the holidays and i was watching "love actually" ... why the heck does that movie make me cry??? sheesh. well, no matter why, it does. it makes me feel lonely. it makes me miss terrance. and, it makes me question ... yet again ... how he really feels about me. i don't know, and i don't know that i soon will. he will be deployed soon and fall even more off the grid for me than he is now. what will that do to me? guess i'll soon find out ...

yawning,
c.

five minutes flat ...

2005-12-17T03:02:00.000-08:00

but, it felt like five seconds. *sigh* such is life. what am i talking about you ask!? i got $5300 in retroactive benefits from the va for my gi bill ... spent it in five minutes flat. bills, bills, bills ... tuition took almost 75% of it and the rest went straight to bills (related, of course, to my education!?) five minutes, felt like five seconds. like i said before, such is life. i got paid and i'm still broke.

do you feel me world?
c.

tell me why ...

2005-11-12T10:31:00.000-08:00

it's 1031 a.m. i just got in like 30 min ago. i've been up for 26 hours ... went to work, went out partying, went out bowling, went to the casino, got breakfast, tried to go to the track!? yeah, so, we spent all night kickin' it ... still no sleep ... but, i had a damn good time.

ground hog's day

2005-09-30T15:25:00.000-07:00

ever see that movie? with that guy, bill something-or-other ... the one who also played in ghostbuster's. well sometimes i wonder about life. if the same kind of things come up over and over again until we do it right. i am wondering that today because of what happened last night ...

with an ex. it got a little heavy. but, we stopped before we did anything we would regret. it is strange ... but, it is also ... what? to be honest, i don't know what it is. i would be lying to say that i wasn't interested in something happening between us. i have absolutely no idea what "something" would amount to. you see, i would also be lying if i said i would be super-extra excited about something happening between us. i am leaving. i am going to hawaii. i am interested in someone else. but, then, he knows all of these things. and, i know he is in a relationship that is "not going well" (his words). i think there are very few "places/situations" he and i haven't found ourselves in with one another ... together we went through plenty good and plenty bad. now here i find myself back in the middle with him. what to do ...

terrance. haven't spoken to him in almost a week. i suppose though that we may have spoken more often if my phone bill had been paid. but, that excuse can only go so far ... there are other numbers. other forms of communication. but, not him. he's not with that ... for him, life is about simplicity ... or, is it laziness? i ask this because i make most of the effort to keep in touch ... and, maybe it is just that he knows this or maybe it is that i am more interested in him than he is in me. but, if he wanted to, he could hit me up more often ... it's not like my cell is my only means of communication or the only one he knows about because it's not. so, i find myself wondering daily where his interest level lies with me. i'm starting to feel a little too interested in him ... given the lack of reciprocity in communication effort. wait and see ...

started a new job. not sure that i like it. but, right now, it's less important to like my job and more important to get paid. i keep looking for something else half-heartedly. i just need to pay bills and save some "aloha cash." so, maybe i'll hang with maxim for a while more. i should be at work now, but i had to take care of some other things. more later ...

be easy ...

carina

a tagged list from dom ...

2005-09-26T01:14:00.000-07:00

this is as the title so eloquently states a tagged list from dom. his list can be viewed by clicking on the title of this post. and, thanks to dom for making me "it!"

10 years ago
i was just starting my junior year in high school. very much a nerd, but ever so slowly coming into my own. still trying to figure out why the heck, outside of fearing my dad would actually kill me, i worked so hard in school, sports, etc. all around me, people seemed to be having a good time. but, all i ever did was "work" ... school, sports, being a good kid. i had only ever been kissed once by a guy. was still afraid of sex. never had a boyfriend. never been to, much less got invited to a party. felt sorely misunderstood by my family.

5 years ago
it was Y2K ... things were very much in the same general order as before in my life and the world at large. let's see. i was in AIT ... military school. i had joined the army at the beginning of that year ... i was back on fort lewis after having gone to fort jackson, south carolina (relaxin' jackson -- NOT!?!) and fort sam houston, texas ... i had gone through basic, and emt-b school ... was in lpn school. had broken it off with thomas and tanke. wanted it to work out with jason, but there was too much physical space between us. so, swore off long-distance relationships. started to gain back all of the weight i worked so hard to lose as my physical health began to take a strange nosedive ... strange time in my life.

1 Year Ago
it had only been two weeks since i was broken up with by --. the then love of my life ... it would months and months until we saw progress towards my recovery which i continue to work on even today. but, it is no longer so much of an uphill battle. i was still in the u.s. army -- bleh. i was having major health issues ... was at the hospital quite often ... two weeks after this date a year ago i had major surgery to make sure i didn't have cancer. talk about stress. but, alas (and, much to my relief), it wasn't that bad ... still bad/bothersome ... cysts on my L ovary. maybe might lead to fertility issues, and definitely the source of great pain several times a month to this day and for presumably every single day to follow.

Yesterday
didn't do a damn thing worth mentioning ... it was sunday. my throat really hurt ... i will not explain why ... lol. but, i will look back on this and laugh. i will say though, i met a man. i had a lot of fun with that man over the last week. he has potential, but who knows where life is taking anyone? and, of course there is still terrance. talked to him yesterday. talked to lots of folks yesterday. did that from the comfort of my bed until 2pm and then the comfort of my couch until i went back to bed. did hop on the computer ... obviously didn't blog!? i've been myspacing ... are you on myspace?

Today
went to work ... was a bit late, luckily i have flexible hours. was really dreading the day, but it turned out okay ... started this job on the 27th of last month. NOT FOR ME!?! i hate it ... there are way more than ten ways for me to describe how i hate this job. put in my two weeks last week. and, so it happens, today is the beginning of the second week ...

everything happens for a reason ...

2005-09-22T00:11:00.000-07:00

so much and so little is happening with me right now. maybe it's that i have a lot on my mind, but very little is actually going on with me. still broke. still not officially working. done with school for a few months. i'm in this in-between-place ...

my little brother leaves for iraq in the next few weeks. it's hard to see him trying to lead this normal life. he asked kong to marry him ... she didn't give him an answer. i don't know that it's a well thought out good idea ... but, it is his life and i'll support him either way. plus, kong would be a welcome edition to the fam ... we all love her! i'm just worried that they won't really be able to keep it together. we'll see.

terrance just told me about an hour ago that he's going back overseas as well. and, he says this without a departure or return date that he can give me. that's the nature of the situation. like one day he'll just be gone ... just like that ... no real goodbye. no nothing. it makes me really sad. it's disheartening and very disappointing ... i've so been looking forward to ... him. to getting to spend time with him, getting to know him ... but, i'll get back to hawaii and he'll most likely be gone. then, i won't hear from him for most of the next year ... and, i worry about him. marines do a lot of the crazy stuff. they are always where the heat is. he says he'll keep in touch with me when he gets back ... i really do like him, but i know he's a man and i'd be foolish to hold my breath. and, another dose of reality ... he'll most likely be changing duty stations too. so, he won't come back to stay in hawaii for any length of time. he'll get in country and then head back to the mainland. *sigh* it's a bit depressing to look forward to something for so long and then have all your little hopes dashed. but, we'll see how it turns out ... only time will tell now.